10-4

ahh, here we go again. I'm sitting here preparing myself for yet another lovely round of chemotherapy. They seem neverending, but I realize I'm actually making good progress. Today begins session number 10, with only two remaining after this week. It's been a long, hard road, but we're finally feeling like the end is near.

Sometimes I only can think of finishing- wishing it was here, dreading the next time I feel bad, etc. Other times I realize there will be a whole new set of emotions once the chemo is over. Now, I feel bad a lot, but at least i'm doing something about the cancer. Every two weeks I pour lots of poison into my bloodstream, and it goes to work eating up cancer cells like I used to eat bbq ribs. Mowing 'em. And, when I finish, I'm gonna be so happy to done with all this, because it makes me feel bad. But, on the other hand....then I'm suddenly not doing anything about this cancer thing. Suddenly, it's time to sit back and wonder if it's all gone, if it'll ever come back, if I'll have to do this all over again. Now it's all about the checkups...the nerves before those will, I"m sure, be all askew. Until I hear the "all clear" each time, I'm sure I'll be freaked. But, this is the process, this is the path. So, I motor on, still excited to finish the chemo, to move on to all the things I've wanted to do and used to do, move on to the next step in the cancer survivor handbook: life. Living it big, loving it big, no matter what it brings me.