Wooo hooo.

The ol' oncologists came thru w/ some of these bad boys for me. So long soreness.
Work will be much more 'fun' tomorrow.

ummm, ouch!?

Well, Mere has always been good at making this stuff seem like an event (in a fun way) . Port day (see post below) was a good idea to take my mind off the fact that there I was: once again in PSL Hospital, once again in a gown, IV laden, laying in a hospital bed. I guess for some reason, I thought I'd just waltz in there, they'd pop something on me and I'd be out! just like that. Well, we were both a little caught off guard when we realized this was no quickie. I mean, it was outpatient, but it was still gonna hurt. As you can see in the pic here, they put a fairly large metal thingie under your skin, above the pectorial muscle. It's actually a really cool device, holding one reminded me of maybe what an ipod would be in 10 yrs. Mega small, really well made bit of metal. The thing now basically means I will be IV free for the rest of this, which rules. Tired of those, for sure.

Apparently chemo drugs are harsh on small veins, so drugs will go in thru this port, which is hooked into my jug vein. Will end up being a benefit in the long run to have this deal, but for now, i'm still kinda reeling from the whole experience: Another surgery, another shaving, another operating room, another incision, another scar.

I think the worst part is not that this caught me off guard in the whole event, but that I am again real sore and hurting. I'm sure this will go away quick this time (they dont even give you pain meds for this), but it's still hurting, and my skin is stretched so tight with this huge lump now protruding from it. Once the pain goes away, tho, I will have this reminder everytime I see my skeletal self in the mirror to remind me of all this crap. Sweet souvenir, eh? As if the skeleton chest wasn't enough. Now I have a small friend to say hello to on my chest for the next 6 months. hello small frye.

Big ups to mere for being by my side once again.

Port Day

Well, here we are again, at good ol' Presbyterian St. Luke's hospital, in honor of Port Day. Port Day is a new holiday that I just came up with this morning (Andy and I are even taking off work for it). I invented this holiday as I first sat down here for today. Once again I sat down here, in the same waiting room, with the same computer on my lap, infusing words and feelings into this same blog (another type of portal), as I anxiously await my same dear husband to finish up with another procedure. Making a holiday out of it is a way to put some spunk into some all too familiar territory.

Bless his heart . . . shoot, while we're at it, bless my heart. . . as it is always tough for us to come back here. Exactly 4 weeks ago today, we were all sitting in this same room while Andy was getting a foot of his colon and that unwelcomed tumor removed from his precious body temple.

Thank God for 4 weeks later!!

Thank God for Andy's continual courage and humor as he continues down this path. We were just commenting this morning how hospitals are just plain creepy, especially this one since we have so much memory and emotion tied to it, but how the process has become so familiar to him that he's almost immune to it. The admission, the hospital gown, the IV, the many many doctors asking the same damn questions ("allergic to any medications?" they say. . . as if we didn't just tell 4 previous doctors just minutes before, "sulfa drug".), the "happy juice", and then into the procedure. He never ceases to amaze me . . he's so dang sweet and polite to all the doctors and nurses as they poke and prod him and wheel him away for another invasive process. He is truly my hero.

So today on Port Day, I'm gonna celebrate these things that relate to my hero:

-Today is his official 4 week full recovery date from his colon resection surgery. .
-Today, right now in fact, as he gets this port injected into his jugular vein, he is one step closer to being done with all of this and getting his normal life back. . .
-I just learned he is getting the "POWER PORT", which basically takes place of an IV for the next 6 months. The power in this port is that it not only takes in chemo meds, but any type of med that would normally go in an IV. This = NO MORE IV's for 6 months! Something to celebrate alone right there!
-Aside from this synthetic port I speak of, what's even more powerful are his real portals (heart and mind)-the ones that came with him originally and will never leave him (that synthetic one only has the privledge to be with him for 6 months). It is so touching for me to witness the reaction from his heart and mind, as he takes in all of the love and support, that is delivered by all of you! BOTH of us are inundated with love and support, and it is absolutely what is holding us up and keeping us going. It's an enormous sea of loveboats out there, sending precious cargo of thoughts and prayers and letters and packages. . . it is absolutely breathtaking and we thank you from the bottom of our hearts.
-And last but not least, I will celebrate what Andy is portaling (a word?) right back to us. True Inspiration.

Perhaps I will celebrate this holiday with a glass of, hmmmm, port wine? (that was too easy).

Happy Port Day!

The force is strong in this one

thinking Kaya and Butterbean could go as this. Or maybe Jabba the Hut would be more fitting for kyle and Butter would be Jar Jar Binks.

Very Odd.

ummm, yeah. So, I like, want kids, right? Or, should I say WE want kids. Not now (enuf to deal with immediately, but soon after all this). so, this requires some of these guys in this picture. Well, chances are I won't have those guys during or after chemo. They'll (hopefully) come back to me, but if not.....well, lets just say they make ice cubes out of 'em now and thaw 'em when you need them (read: want a child). Safety net, as they call it.

So this brings me to a VERY strange morning. How about a "reproductive and fertility clinic". ok, weird. then, how about a MALE NURSE showing you to your "collection room". ummm, slightly more awkward. Then, for once in your life, you-know-what is encouraged...required, even. And in some odd doctor's office room. So weird I can't even explain. Like, the strange meter is off the charts. It's broken and smoking, actually.

GOD, this whole cancer/treatment process has sure toughened me up, and the strange, uncomfortable, and humiliating experiences seem to just keep rolling at me. Gotta say on my toes or else I may get knocked over by one. You just have to go with the flow...roll with the punches.

the worst part is I have to go back twice more this week. damn. guess it'll be worth it when I have a child...but for now it's just plain torture.

Mac-o-lantern

ok, so- this is the first Halloween in a LONG time that Mere and I haven't had some big ol' plans. And, I'm actually fine with that. Had a whole lot going on lately and am kinda glad to just have a mellow one. Maybe walk down the street and check out the Motet covering Jamiroqui (sp?) for a minute, but nothing big.
anyway, to commemorate that I'm not COMPLETELY bah humbug, i thought this was a fun use for those old school macs, if you still got one laying around. I think I donated mine to the Portfolio Center when I was in school. Anyway, some dudes spent the time to give you a how-to on this. Good to see others have way too much free time as well.

Booyakasha!!

Kapow! Shazam! Waddah-tah! and BAM! I have no idea how it happened, but I just wanted to say that the Dawgs beating the dreaded Gay-tors this weekend, has sure made my weekend! I thought maybe my mojo had turned, after receiving the good PET scan news, and would carry all weekend, but of course the Rockies were once more dominated last night. Not looking good for them.

Regardless, tho, I'm still riding high on my news from last week, on the Dawgs, and just overall really feeling optimistic. I know the road ahead is still a toughie, but I'm feeling re-energized. Could it be that footlong chicken cheesesteak i just ate? Who knows. Maybe it is. All I know is I'm feeling good. I've been able to sleep better since that news, and my bad dreams seem to be lessening (had bad dreams every night for weeks now, and was having a HELL of a time falling asleep the last few weeks, too).

Here's to keeping the mojo working, keeping the spirits up, and getting thru what the future holds. Also to the Rockies finally winning one tonight. Please.

One more week of mowing junk food. Gonna take full advantage. Hoping to start work tuesday, altho have outpatient surgery tues AM to get the infusaport in. Either way, gonna get back into the office sometime early this week. Am excited to get back to it.

Quote for today

A good friend sent this over yesterday (very fitting for such a positive day), and a lot of you have prob read it before, but I thought I'd put it up:

Keep your thoughts positive because your thoughts become your words.

Keep your words positive because your words become your behaviors.

Keep your behaviors positive because your behaviors become your habits.

Keep your habits positive because your habits become your values.

Keep your values positive because your values become your destiny.

-Gandhi

Hard to always abide by this- but real true and worth a try!

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAWWWWWW!!!

THE BEST NEWS I'VE HAD SINCE THIS ALL BEGAN: my PET scan came back "normal". YES, YES, YES, YES, YES, YES!!!! I'd be lying if I didn't just up front admit I've been so scared the last few days. Really scared. Just wondering: " what if there's more microscopic cancer cells that the CT scan didn't pick up?". I've been practicing my visualization of healthy cells, staying positive, trying to KNOW i'm all good in there...but, man, that fear and doubt just creep in. There's no way to keep it out all together, it's just a part of being a human. So, that being said, I've been laying in bed the last few nights thinking so much about how I'd handle this moment....just in case it was bad news. Lord knows I've gotten good at handling bad news, but this one was BIG. I just wasn't sure I could take this all over again...realizing I STILL have this dreaded cancer inside me after a HUGE surgery to get it out. Well, I don't have to deal, b/c TODAY IS A GOOD DAY!! God, i just want to click my heels together down my whole block. Just giddy; so relieved. Finally, finally, finally some good news. I haven't felt this good and hopeful in a while. It's like I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders the last few days, and it's been lifted! I'm just so happy right now I can't contain myself.

I meet with my oncologist next week, get the infusaport put in, and start the chemo the week after. The schedule should allow for me to be home for Xmas, and lets me do some "banking" next week.

Music as therapy

I've always been a huge fan of music. Since as long as I can remember, I've loved getting that new album that just makes me giddy, listening to it until I know it backwards and forwards. I love how it can be so threaputic- to me, there's music for every emotion, every time in life. And, as I've recently learned, playing music is also quite the release. All in all, to me, music is an amazing artisitic creation that everyone can wrap their heads around: it just makes you feel good. Everyone has a heartbeat- everyone understands rhythm (some better than others).
So, I thought maybe sometimes I could share with you guys what music I'm listening to. Now, those of you working in the music industry, well, I know this is illegal. But, I'm figuring that not that many people are really reading this, and, well, after receiving so much in the way of prayers, thoughts, gifts, support, love, lessons, recipes, hugs, etc from you people, this just seemed like something I could give back. Something I love, and would love to share. I am sorry if this upsets anyone.

Also, I've put these albums on sendspace.com. You should be able to click the link and then download from the page, and I guess there's a certain number of downloads before it is done and I'd have to reload (no idea how many it has on each file).

I thought I'd post what I'm currently listening to a lot, and to what it correlates to. This first one is the new Eddie Vedder album. It's the soundtrack to the "into the wild" movie. It's way more mellow and brooding than your typical Pearl Jam album, and I am really enjoying the emotional feel it has. I've been feeling a lot of ups and downs in my life lately, and this really speaks to that- it just feels kinda sad yet hopeful. The song "Hard Sun" has some really fitting lyrics for me right now, having Mere by my side thru a hard time in a hard world. You can listen to the tracks here on amazon(scroll down for clips). You can download the .zip file (it's compressed, uncompress it and they are mp3s that will play in itunes) here if you like it.

Now, I thought I'd put up something real happy and fun to mix with that previous album. It's the newest Greyboy Allstars album. When I'm feeling happy and want that dip in my hip and glide in my stride, this works great. Funky boogaloo jazz. Listen here(scroll down). Download here.

More to come later on. stay tuned.

Bucket full of new lessons

So, I asked a while back if you could 'reprogram your mind'. I got a whole lot of responses, and it's pretty amazing all the stuff I've learned since then from all of you. I've already told you most of the stuff I've learned from this whole experience (enjoy today, dont worry so much about the future-never know how long you have; it's okay to ask for help from those you love- they are here for you; there's a bigger picture that this thing has to be a part of; emotions are ok; etc, etc), but what I'm now realizing is that I'm also learning tons from all of you. I've recieved so many diff types of books on healing, diets, meditaions, survivor stories, cancer information/healing, visualizations, etc and am actively going thru them all (there's a lot of 'em, so will take a while to read them ALL). 2 months ago, some of the stuff I'd have not tried- maybe too out there for me. Well, I've also learned from this that taking off your "blinders" and trying things you wouldn't normally is what life is all about. So, I'm trying it all, and thank you all for sharing your personal beliefs, thoughts, prayers, and techniques for balance, health and spirituality with me, NO MATTER HOW UNORTHODOX they are. Really, it all is about your personal choice, which I respect so much, and I feel very lucky you could all feel close enough to me to share. So, thank you- I used some new techniques of visualization to stay calm and focused while I was laying in the PET scan tube for 30 mintues yesterday. i'm not a huge fan of close quarters, so this helped me stay calm, and to visualize my healthy happy future. I hope to hear the results of that test sometime this week. Will keep you all posted. Once again, thanks for sharing with me- I really appreciate it.

Stymied

Rockies servers 'crashed' yesterday (duh) and that's why no one got tix. Well, they went onsale again today and again, no one got them. So weak. My pals out here and I all tried ourselves silly, as it's not too often the World Series is just a few blocks from your house, and how fun to go. Oh, well, guess I'm watching on TV.

it's noon....time to pull for Kristina.

Our friend that Mere posted about a while ago, Kristina, is going back under the knife today to remove the rest of her thyroid, as her tumor they removed before was found to have a small bit of cancerous mass in it. I just hope everyone can take 5 seconds or so, and just say a quick prayer for her. She totally rocks the house, and is super important to us, and I'm thinking anything helps. I know everything will go just fine, but we can all hope for a speedy and healthy recovery for her.

Gooooo, Kris. We are on YOUR TEAM!

Sometimes it's the simple things.

So, as a victory for not eating since the monday before the colonoscopy a month or so ago (it was on a thurs afternoon) mere bought me a Chick-fil-a sammy on her way down from boulder that day. Lemme tell you, I was fired up about it. Not only had I not eaten in days, but Chick-fil-a. I mean, come on- they rule it. Unfortunately, there aren't a lot of them in CO (just a few actually) and we usually have to go way out of our way for one. So, needless to say I was ready for it. Then we naively went to the procedure, no idea that it could result in cancer. Of course, after the news, the Dr recommended no 'real' food until after the surgery, which was not until the next tuesday, and I never ate the chicken sandwich, altho the car ride home smelled like we were IN a chick-fil-a.

Now, for some reason, that became the victory focus... get healed enough to eat chick-fil-a. It almost was a joke w/ my surgeon and I and my family. So, I went along thru surgery, healing, etc, and funny enuf, i never was near one to eat it (still haven't left my house or 10-20 block radius much). Then today, Will brought me a Chick-fil-a biscuit for breakfast. Ironically, I'm going for the PET scan today, and again, cannot eat all day. Funny...errrr, sort of. Anyway, I know i won't get the results of this scan for a few days, but I'm bringing this damn biscuit in hopes that today I walk out of this scan and can eat it on the way home...signifying a small victory to just be done with it and moving on into the next phase of treatment. It also signifies me getting over another really really scary hump, and figuring out what is left in me, cancer-wise. So, to some it might just be a piece of fried chicken on some sort of bread...but to me, it means I'm making progress and will get thru all this.

Weekend fam.

Just wanted to say that having some fam here this weekend, was real nice. We just played it mellow and watched lots of football and baseball and had lots of good food. Trying to fatten myself up (already gained 6lbs since surgery!). Pictured here we were eating at the Italian joint down the street- we had a great dinner and even better time. Man, feels so good to get out of the house and get life back to a more normal swing.
Chris and Ash left today (I already miss them) and Mom and Mike roll out tomorrow. We spent today cleaning the heck out of the apartment (even washed the dogs) and getting errands done, so that was a HUGE help. Will also really miss them.
Got the PET scan tomorrow, so will know if there's any more cancer in me. Cross the fingers and toes. And eyes.

Dang ol' rockies.

I got some beef with the Rockies. I mean, we're all really glad they are in the series. But, they are selling the tix online only. What that does, is allow people anywhere in the country, scalpers included, to attempt to buy the tix. So, being a Denver/frontrange/CO resident in no way allows you a better chance at tix. Usually they sell them at the ballpark...well, not this year. And, we all know what happens when you try to buy tix online w/ a huge amt of people trying- the servers sieze up and no one gets tix. That is EXACTLY what happened. No one I know got them. So lame. Now, what's happening is that scalpers all over the country with no affiliation to Rocks or Sox are making lots of money on the tix and people who just want to go can't get some w/out paying a ton. Weak Sauce!

Ol' Salty Balls

So, we went out last night with Chris and Ash and Will and Jennie to have a nice dinner of vietnamese tapas at this cool place, Parallel 17, down the street. By the way, it was my second dinner out (thx to Will, Lisa P and Mindy for the first- Lola was GREAT), and feels really good to be seeing myself move back towards normality....I should be back at 100-ish% by end of next week!
Anyway, there was this cute, very old, choc lab tied up on the patio we were eating on. We all commented on what a handsome dog he was..and as the table next to him got up and left, they didn't grab him. We all, of course, said "hey, you forgot your dog". It wasn't thiers. The staff had tied him up b/c he was stray and trying to get into the kitchen (old boy knows where to get his grub on). This dog, to us, was obviously someones dog (choke chain, and older than any stray would live) and not a stray. The staff was too busy to deal and begging us to help... so, of course, we brought him home. We named him Salty Balls, b/c he's pretty old and salty. He's seen some stuff.

He seemed to assimilate well to our three pooches (Jennie's golden, Jada, was over, too), except Butterbean, the most submissive dog ever, always showed her teeth when Salty came near. She spent the night hiding in the back room. Salty actually made Kyle look really young, so that was kinda refreshing. We quickly learned Salty's reaction to anything that excited him was to bark an incessant string of 30 or so hoarse old man barks (NOT a big selling point of his, I must say). Thank god he went to bed when we did and slept the night. After an AM barking session, he ate and followed Kaya around the yard (she IS the alpha of the roost). Then, good-deed Mere went and hung "found dog" signs all around where we found him. On the way home we were on the phone and I said "huh, I don't see Salty Balls in our front OR back yard...that's strange. Oh, well, he's too old to get out"> next thing i know, mere is yelling "oh, my god! Salty's in the road! I SEE HIM! COME HELP!". Dude sqeezed out the many openings in our fence, and in his old man haze stumbled into the road and just stood there (I was already picturing Will doing free surgery on ol' Salty). Makes me realize how lucky we are our dogs don't go anywhere (butterbean once accidentally got out and sat by the back fence door until 5am when mere got up to pee and realized she wasn't in the apt). anyway, we got him safely home, and he immediately tried to escape again. And again. We realized it was time for Salty to go to the humane society.

Oh, well, good bye Salty. We'll keep an eye on his profile on the Dumb Friends Site..if no one gets him, maybe we'll readopt (altho two dogs is plenty right now). At least all the excitement took our minds off the issues we've been dealing with, and that actually felt real nice.

A couple more good Omens to add to the Pot

You know when things happen in life that you just know were not a coincidence? I’m not talking about “everything happens for a reason” everyday type things, but those things that happen that make you stop in your tracks and realize the moment for what it is - like you can't believe what is coming together, as if that moment was created just for you!

Throughout this daunting experience with Andy, there have been numerous propitious (good word choice eh Indy?) happenings that just give me the chills and fill me up with so much emotion, because I KNOW they are signs that everything is gonna be alright. I’m here in this blog to share a couple of them, cause I think they make a good story. . .plus this blog is a journal, and i don't want to forget these moments and how much they impacted me.

The most recent one occurred after I wrote my “Thank you to my In-Laws” blog, where I went on and on about my nail polish experience and my color choice. BELIEVE! Ahhh, as if I wasn’t already inspired enough by THAT moment. A couple hours after I sent that blog, I got a package in the mail from two of my very dearest friends-India Rows and Casey Blomquist, whom I hadn’t even talked to about my polish experience and who had bought me this gift a week or so before when they were together in Georgia. The gift is displayed in the photo included in this blog, a sparkly ornament that just gleamed “BELIEVE” at me when I opened the box. I immediately burst into good feeling tears (and had already had some wine in me which intensified the emotions, but still. . .) It is officially my favorite word. It is currently being applied in my life in so many ways.

Another definitely worth mentioning occurred a week ago at the Widespread Panic show. Before I left for the show as I was getting ready, I was a bit emotional and was wondering how the music and the words would effect me. For some reason, I was thinking about “Ain’t Life Grand” (as generic a song it is, there are still some lines that make me feel in that song). I was thinking about these simple lines in that simple song and how they would break me a bit if I heard them without Andy next to me like he usually is:

“My wife's got the blues
Now I've got them
Gonna bring her a kiss . . ”

And then I went to the show that Friday night. Come second set, I was saying to myself that I thought it was an "Ain't Life Grand" kind-of show (those of you who know what i mean, you know what i mean). I shared that thought and my intuition with my good friend Justin beside me, and told him about my emotional ties to those lines and that I might loose it if JB sang them to me. Sure enough, just a song or two later, they played it. Justin was all supportive and huggin' me as we anticipated the upcoming lyrics together, but when it came down to the time for them, I kid you not. . ..JB SKIPPED THOSE SPECIFIC LINES. (I know JB gets tipsy and forgets/skips lines, but three of them and those in particular??? Too weird) They just jammed out the instrumental part where the lyrics were supposed to go, so i just danced my booty off and didn't wonder why. They picked back up again at “MAKE THOSE BLUES RUN!!!!!". It was nuts. And it felt good!

Call me cheesy, but these types of moments are the fuel in my life.

not much to report.

It's friday, and not much around here. Getting a visit from the bro and sis (ash and chris) today, mom and stepdad mike tomorrow, too. should be a nice weekend w/ more family visits.
Got a second opin on by another oncologist today, and got my PET scan scheduled for next tues (finally) to be sure there's no cancer left in me, then I can get on with the chemo. I'm hoping to start w/in 2 wks. ready to ''get 'er done," as some sleeveless flannel shirt guy once or always says. Looks like I'll be doing a regimen of FOLFOX, which would have me in the dr office for a day, then a 46hour period at home/work/whatever wearing a pump that pumps me w/ the folfox drugs thru an IV type deal. yuck. I'll do that every two weeks

Today is Townzen Thursday

I just wanted to mention my cousin Townzen. A week or so before I was diagnosed w/ cancer, I found out that Townz was diagnosed with Hodkins Lymphoma, a diff type of cancer. He's even younger than me, and truly a fantasic human being. Some of you may have met him at that last Phish show in Coventry (he was the one who left his car and walked all the way, miles, in with only what he could carry after they tried to turn him around because it was too muddy and out of control, and we somehow ran into him in 100K people and he joined the crew for the weekend). That story alone should show what a fighter he his. We have had the luxury of really getting to know Townz these last 5 or 6 yrs up at our lake house in canada (pictured above, us wearing all the rediculous hats that live on the hatrack up there. All are at least a few generations old. And yes, we'd had a few pops when we took this pic) and we've just had a blast going wild up there. Anyway, I just wanted to ask everyone out there to include him in your prayers, too. He's a really special person, the true deifinition of a free spirit, who means the world to us, and he's now starting his chemo treatments.

Townz, if you read this, we're all pulling for you buddy. We can do this. We can beat this awful thing. Stay strong. I love you.

More wristband action

I don't know if you guys saw my dads post in one comment section a while back, but he's gone and one-upped Lance Armstrong and ordered blue (that is color of colon cancer bracelets) bracelets with my name on them. While I still feel somewhat funny about people wearing around my name on their arms (and even more so to wear your OWN name), I've given in and am helping distribute them (as well as wearing one). what the hey, I've learned that if it helps, go for it. And I'm guessing this will help, somehow. I've also learned it's ok to lean on my friends and family and ask for help, and this maybe helps to signify this for me. So, the bracelets are here. I guess he thought most people are REAL skinny, b/c most all are size medium, w/ a few larges. The medium fits me way better than the yellow livestrong one, but I have pretty small wrists. Med should fit all women and most men pretty good, tho. they may be snug, but they won't catch on anything. OR, just don't wear it, but def feel free to grab one. Or two. I have around 100 of them (10 kids ones, 10 large, rest Med), and if you are in the west but not around denver and want one or more, email me at adutlinger@gmail.com. If you are in the south, either stop by my dad's or email him at bdut@comcast.net to have him mail you some (i saw some of you posted you wanted them on the blog comments before, but if you didnt put an address or email me or him, might not hurt to do so to follow up). I'm assuming he has kids, Meds and Larges, too. If we end up with a bunch of them, I'll find some other cool use for them (muzzle for dogs, headband for my old school GI Joes, strech 3 over ipod for custom protective case, squirrel blindfold, etc, etc).
ps- Sukle folks, I saw you all want one, so i'll bring a stack in next week for you!

Grandmas are the best

Today I got a pkg from my grandma...it had this really cool throw shawl in it. It's very pretty, and perfect size to put over your shoulders, which I'll be needing, as they say you always feel cold when going thru chemo. (hope that doesn't mean I can't snowboard at ALL this winter!) I've always been a HUGE fan of hand made things, and I think that's what even drew me to sreenprinting. So, naturally I loved this shawl, but the note tied to it was what got me: "This shawl was made just for you. To bring you comfort. To know you are loved. This shawl is to wrap you up when you are cold, when you are hurting, when you need to snuggle. This shawl was made with blessings, with love, with prayers." I have to admit it made me cry a little.
Thank you G-ma. I love you.

Ad guy talking here...

ok, so I'm only putting this up b/c as a guy working in the advertising biz, I pay attention to commercials. Most suck, I know. But this one makes me laugh.

cheaping out on thank you cards

So, it's like a constant state of Christmas over here at Ogden St. Everyday more cards, pkgs, flowers.....it all rolls in at a seemingly unending rate, and I'm just overwhelmed. To some degree, I'm cheating doing this, but I just wanted to kinda say a group 'THANK YOU' to everyone. Now, my mom always made me write thank you notes growing up, so I know that is the proper thing to do here. But, I'm having a hard time even sending thank you emails to everyone. I will, however, get to everyone with at least an email if not a "real" note, but for now, let me just do it here. This whole blog started as a way to stay in touch with everyone without having ot email everyone directly, and has been great that way. It's of course double functioned as a bit of a diary, tell all for mere and I, too, and has actually turned into somewhat of a therapy for us. So, thanks to all who listen to us blather on about ourselves. In some ways it's self centered, but in another way, super cleansing to just talk about how you feel when you go thru so much wavering of emotions like we do. It's a constant rollercoaster: Scared > hopeful > angry > sad > determined > scared > happy > inspired > confusion > drained > unsure > etc. It's like some demented setlist of a concert. (ha ha ha.)

++A few things that have arrived on our doorstep from all you that I love: Flowers, plants, ipod (for long chemo days), cancer fighting herbs, self help/meditation/manifestation cds and books, colon cancer books (still scared to read 'em, but know i need to and will), novels, tibetan prayer flags, games, remote control indoor helicopter (love torturing dogs with this), xbox, DVDs, special mugs from our friends at Dovetail (if you haven't checked out thier hand-made pottery, do, it's SUPER cool. I love it.), food, drumsticks, snacks, Athens t-shirt (for old time's sake), oak tree sapling to plant at 5 yr party, more flowers, green and white tea (antioxidants!), a few budwiesers, TONS of sweet cards, and a lance armstrong packet with a survivor notebook and shirt/hat/yellow bracelets. Hoping I'm not leaving anything out.

So, as you can see, I'm feeling like a kid on xmas morning (THAT feels good) and so, so, so blessed to have so many caring friends and family. In that regard, I'm the luckiest guy there is. So, THANK YOU. I love you all dearly and feel so strong having you all on my team. With you behind me, this thing will not beat me. I shall beat it.

Wonder womere

so, my wife has been so instrumental in all this. She's been there thru the hard times and the good (well, the good times maybe haven't quite begun since this all started, but when they do she'll be there). She's my crutch, so to speak, and is shouldering half the weight of this thing. I can't say enough good stuff about her, so I won't. I'll just show you the undie-pants set I just ordered her, instead. I think Wonder Woman is fitting, but I woulda loved to flip that graphic and made it "Mighty Mere".

Thank you to my In-Laws!

Last Thursday, Sue, Mike and Dut pampered me beyond belief to a day at the spa. DAY, yes day, meaning I had four treatments, three mimosas, two cups of tea, and one ceasar salad, all right there in my robe at the Woodhouse Day Spa. (Two of those treatments included a scalp massage of some sort, which explains the first photo). I’ve always wanted to go there. . . this “sanctuary of wellness”. . . a charming Victorian home just blocks from our house-lovely gardens and lots of wood (reminds me a lot of the charm at Glen Ella where we got married).

My in-laws have always spoiled me rotten, but this treat came at just the right time in my life, to dose me with some invigoration and relaxation, as we proceed through this crazy journey! (It’s possible they were just buttering me up to make sure I’ll take good care of their son since they are 1,400 miles away from Denver, but either way, it worked out well for me-ha ha).

One thing certainly worth noting in my experience at the spa was getting my nails done. Yes, ME, a manicure and a pedicure, not only did I get them clipped and buffered and filed, etc, but I got them POLISHED! I thought what they hey, I’m in the spa afterall. The lady showed me the colors to pick from, and I got sortof dizzy in all those color choices-lots of bright reds and pinks and oranges. I found two in the mix that really stuck out to me-both light and sparkly and fun, but I was quite confident in the one I choose so I went with that. Right as she was about to apply the polish, she flipped the bottle upside down to read my color choice. (Who knew polishes were named on the bottom-if I ever did know that, I had forgotten)

My choice? “BELIEVE”. I just smiled and told her to polish away! Two coats please!

Way to be staple-free

YEEEHAW!! Got the staples out this AM, and man-o-man does it feel good. My incision was healing really well, but my skin was really wanting those metal staples out and they were very stingy and itchy around them. And, yes, when he removed them he said "lemme go get my staple remover". It struck me as funny for some reason.
Also, on another up note- the Doc told me that I didn't need to abide by that 'cancer' diet so much in this recovery phase, as it's most important that I'm getting TONS of protien to heal, and he said a few steaks and such until chemo certainly will not cause cancer to form. SO, we rejoice in the basking glow of meat, and are giddy to go have some gluttonous lunch today (did I just hear myself think "cheesesteak"?). He did say that the 'cancer' diet will be beneficial when chemo begins, but be sure to work with our oncologist on that one, as new colon cancer meds can be affected by too many antioxidants and other things, and that there are differing opinions on EXACTLY what is the pefect cancer diet. Good to know.

What to eat when you have Cancer.

Well, for those of you that know me well, you know how much I love a slab of ribs, a piece of fried chicken, a cheesesteak. Unfortunately, those are NOT on the list. Mere is reading a book called "what to eat when you have cancer" (thank god for her- i can't bring myself to research stuff yet. call it the ostrich technique), and it's basically ruling out everything in a 'western' diet (i.e. french fries, processed meats, all red meat and most all meats, processed foods, desserts, etc), and really recommending things like fish, beans, legumes, unprocessed grains, soy products, etc. Apparently, it's mostly vegetarian fare, as the incidence of cancer in vegetarians is WAY lower than that of meat eaters (this is likened to all the crap they pump into animals these days). Mere and I have always been pretty healthy eaters, but this is just one notch higher than we've been, and boy no meat will be tough (we are meat-atarians). We tried making millet last night....decent but bland. never heard of the stuff before. Like a cross btw cous cous and pasta, but a grain. We've realized we're gonna have to expirament to get this stuff tasting to our liking, but we're looking into cooking with cancer classes and such. I'm thinking lots of gravy and sauces, and will so, so, so be looking forward to that once or twice a month when I get to spoil myself with a treat of bbq ribs (gas grill- charcoal is full of carcinogens) or fried chicken and french fries! Lord, I will miss my meats, but if this is what I have to do to keep cancer away, then so be it.

The ups n' downs

Well, everyone told me there'd be ups and downs througout this process, and they were right. I've been doing so well as of late that I thought I'd take my first solo trek today. Thought I'd head down to the mall (first time driving my truck in weeks) and get a new cover for my new ipod nano (thx, dad!), and, while there, would do my AM walk there, much like the soccer moms who go to the mall to walk. I made a lap and a half around the mall, up my first set of stairs then back to the Apple store. Shopped a bit (found no cool case but LOVE that iphone) and then headed to the jewelry store on my way out to get my watchband shortened. Anyway, point is, I got the cold sweats in the jewelry shop, felt all woozy again. Got the watch fixed, came home and walked in to mere: "honey, you look PALE". well, I guess maybe I tried to do too much, but you know I'm all about pushing myself to get back to good shape. I'm basically off all the meds, so I guess my body was just telling me it had gotten to it's limit, so go lay down and nap(which i did when i got home). Anyway, today was discouraging for me, not because it was hard for me to do a simple thing like drive to the mall and walk around a little, but because the doctors were seemingly right when they told me it'd be a month, more or less, until I had the "wind back in my sails". I thought "pffft. right. a MONTH. no way, i'll be jamming in a few weeks". Not the case, I guess. The pain is going away, and will be gone soon, but I can tell it's gonna be a long few weeks just back to health, before i beat myself down again with chemo.

I just realized...

.....that I look like a football. Guess watching all this football has got it on my brain. Oh, and that's my bellybutton, not the rear. ha ha, sorry, couldn't resist.
Go Dawgs.

The healing power of Dogs.

There's been all kinds of research that show people with pets live longer then those without. Children raised in homes with pets have higher self esteem, patients with heart issues have a lower mortality rate in homes with pets. Let's face it- pets make us feel good. Mere and I have dogs...dogs we love so much that really do love us back. These guys are my companions in life (besides my hot wife), and they make me feel good, listen to me bitch about things, and always come give me a dog hug when i need it (and they'd love a kiss, too, but YUCK....9+ yrs old on them both and they have BAD breath). I guess all I'm saying is that I feel so lucky to have these wonderful animals, they truly have helped me to heal in happiness and comfort, and I've learned I never want to have a household without a dog. They truly light up Mere and I's life, and we can't wait to get home to them. And, I honestly believe there's something very healing in having them around while i'm down and out. I found all kinds of interesting facts and stats online pertaining to the healing power of animals, but I wanted to put up a few cool, yet somewhat cheesy, stories I liked about therapets they have in hospitals:
(from Usatoday.com)
Dogs turn their calming powers on strangers, sometimes with spectacular results. Layton tells of a hospital visit when a nurse approached her and said, "You. Come with me, and bring your dog." She and Maggie hurried down a corridor as the nurse explained that a cancer patient had come in for treatment and suddenly her heart began to beat erratically. "She said it will not stop, and we want to see if the dog will help," Layton says.

When they entered the room, "the woman was panicked" and gasping, Layton says. Maggie stretched out on the bed with the struggling patient, who began petting her, and within minutes, the heart palpitations slowed, and the woman began breathing normally. "I looked up at the nurse, and she did a thumbs up. It still makes the hair raise on my arms. That's the power that an animal has in a scary situation."

For people with disabilities, animals can be life-altering. Elcock cites as an example the work of a therapy dog named Zorro who is helping a 5-year-old boy with cerebral palsy. Zorro has helped improve the Renton, Wash., boy's ability to move around, and the stimulation created by Zorro's licking his face and hands has helped improve the child's ability to eat, Elcock says.

"Watching this dog, I hate to say this as a scientist, but there's magic in that room."

Woke up this morning about 7:15

Checked out the setlist and saw Arleen. . . (this entire blog may only make sense to some of you)

This is what I have to say about THAT! The whole show looked utterly amazing last night-exactly that kind of show I was talking about and referring to on Friday night (with all our friends at the show), the kind we go see that band for, the kind of show that BLOWS YOUR SOCKS OFF (Friday was pretty good, but my socks stayed on). I guess a week ago when I actually began thinking about the shows again, I decided I would only go to one show, if any, since Andy couldn't be there for any and just because. . . just because.

Andy and I checked out a few songs on panicstream last night before we went to bed, and when I saw Red Hot Mama opener which indicated to me what kind of show would proceed, I admit I was a bit disappointed in the night I chose to attend which in turn made Andy sad for me. So I had to have an immediate attitude adjustment for the both of us, and it is this. . .

That if Andy had to miss a blow your socks off show, well then, I'm glad that I missed it with him! How's that for teamwork?

(For those of you who went, don't feel sorry for us, cause I guarantee we feel better than you do today. HA HA, you know I'm kidding but had to say it.)

But certainly we were there in spirit. Sleeping and dreaming, yet dancing to barstools, etc. Dang we were.

Just goes to show, YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GONNA GET, so enjoy every moment. Hard to do, but let's all just keep trying. Shoot, I'm still sore from Friday and really appreciated at least one night of getting down with yall! Loved every minute of it!

Love you guys.

Just because it's funny

Check out these diving faces shots. Saw them on the Denver Egotist (a design/advertising/art site for Denver I like) and just had to share....only because it made me laugh. Diving apparently makes you look like you have to go to the bathroom.

Back to normal

It's pretty crazy what the human body can do. Remove a large part of an organ, and it figures it out and corrects for it. Truly stunning, and inspriring for me to realize if my insides can adapt like that, so can the outside, the brain and the soul. Anyway, I'll spare you the details, but after a week or so post surgery, everything seems to have figured out what it's job is in there again and I'm finally feeling confident it's all good in there and sugery was successful, as far as regaining function is concerned. Talk about removing a worry in your head! I can always use one less worry these days.

Justins.

Hey big ups to Justin Lyman for dropping off his Handsonic yesterday for me to play with, it's super duper sweet and I've really been digging it. It's got a TON of preprogrammed sounds and drums and african, indian and asian instruments and he's also got a loop pedal so I've already whipped up a few tight beats. I'll try to get them into the computer and post what I was doing during the evening yesterday. Some serious electro-beat action.
Also big ups to my first evening visitor and video game co-pilot, Justin Fuller. My buddy who I've been doing Table2Press with over the years (there's 3 more great mugs at t2p, but me meeting him was what got me into it), and he and I rocked out some TW and I dsicovered I enjoy a game called Gears of War I have with him. It's oh-so-gory and graphic, but way fun w/ a wingman. Makes you realize how all these kids are shooting each other up....after it i was thinking I could easily shoot somebody (kidding). Also of note, the current, Rockies inspired (go rocks!) blog header was designed by Justin. Kudos and thx for that. Kid's got skills.

Visiting Day

Well, this was the first morning that I awoke to not have a parent in town, and I have to admit I was kinda sad to not greet my dad in the den for some am coffee and sportscenter (it typically previals over the Today show during football season). It was great having him here this week...he really helped push me to walk a lot and build my strength so i could get stronger, quicker, and therefore start chemo quicker (more effective if started sooner after surgery). Anyway, miss ya dad, was fun. BUT, what this now signifies is that I'm feeling good enough to not need help around the house as much, and therefore am ready for visitors. I know i got a few coming over to play Tiger Woods tonight and keep me compnay instead of being at the concert, and I'm honestly really looking forward to seeing you all again. Well, I know some/a lot of you are back east, but you i'll have to raincheck until xmas. But, the rest of ya's, I'm really excited to reconnect with friends, so feel free to call or come over and say hi. Can't wait to hug you all and start my official trek back into a "normal" life. well, take "normal" with a grain of salt....some may comment my life was never really that normal. ha.
Over n' out.

Widespread weekend

I know that at 33 yrs old I should have gotten over my infatuation with going to Widespread Panic concerts. Well, I haven't. It's just such an occasion where so many old friends, people I truly love, get together and just cut loose and dance thier cares away. Well, Mere and I missed Red Rocks this summer as we were in Italy (not complaining) and were sooo looking forward to the shows in Loveland, CO this weekend. Well, I will, unfortunately, be sitting here on my tuckus while all those CO friends I have dance the night away only an hour north of here. Fucking cancer. This is bound to be a depressing weekend, sitting here recouping from surgery and missing a good time. I know you can't always get what you want, but I just wanted to vent a little and feel sorry for myself for a second. OK, now it's out there. Now I feel better. If anyone is around Friday night and feels like watching football or playing xbox or something, come on by. Mere will be at the show (I INSIST she goes to at least friday. she's been here so much for me and so deserves going) & I'm flying solo.

Secrets....well, not anymore.

I saw this on the Today show (yes, i watch the today show in the am. I know, not proud of it) and thought it was kinda cool. It's kinda an art project where folks send thier secrets on a postcard that you make into this guy, and he takes them and puts them into books (think he's on #4) and publishes them. You can see some samples on his blog. I guess my secret would be that I'm totally petrified of cancer coming back in me and having to go thru sugery/chemo again. You all could have prob guessed that one, I'm sure.

This One's for you Kristina!!

Our longtime companion . . . one of the most real people I know!

Kristina, you just know how to make the best of a moment, you know how to fill any moment with humor, you have the most genuine laugh that is absolutely contagious, you know how to listen, and you know how to comfort . . . and you have the best damn stories of any book or trashy mag I've read! I know you will tell the best story of your own experience as you conquer this. You will get through this too girlfriend! I am here for you.

We love you so so so much.

People will make money off anything.

I find these products funny. Def a lil' aggresive, verbally, (sorry for all the fu@ks) but funny, even with the poor design attributes. Not sure I'll be sporting one anytime soon, but goes to show there's a business in anything..including cancer.

A really cool pkg just got here.

I just got the coolest thing in the mail. It was from the Lance Armstrong Foundation, sent to me from my lovely sister and brother-in-law ash and sean (mere's sis and thier fam). It's a really cool folder that is a Survivorship Notebook. Being the design nerd that I am, I also must note here, that it's a very nicely designed. Anyway, inside it's a 3 ring binder w/ diff sections like "survivorship tools", "suvivorship topics" and "survivorship stories". All really cool, pertinent info for those trying to live with this (and did I mention nicely designed?). I have a feeling this thing is really gonna be a MAJOR resource for me getting thru this. I mean major. And, the pkg has a cool exercise shirt and hat w/ "LIVESTRONG" on them, and of course the requisite yellow wrist bands. I remember so vividly when Lance was competeing in the Tour and everyone was buying these bands up like crazy (hell, I bought some). I remember hearing folks ragging on other folks for wearing them and jumping on the bandwagon. well, guess what? Ain't no bandwagon here, people. I've got about 10 of them, and I'm proudly wearing one...because I'm a survivor and I"m choosing the LIVE STRONG for the remainder of my life. If any of you want one of these bands, come over and grab one. If you don't live here (I know that's most of you), then go to Lances' foundation site and donate $ for cancer research and get some bands!

Refreshing to know I still believe

Now, don't get me wrong. This isn't your typical something-bad-happens-and-now-i've-found-god story here. Mere and I spent lots of time in church with our families growing up, and Andrew Miller and I were still even going very regularly thru early college. But, along the way something happened and I/we realized organized religion just didn't appeal to me. Or at least no one religion I've learned about (most all of them) had all the ideals I supported. I like some from one, some from others. I've always felt 'to each their own', tho, and if you were into it, great, and if I wasn't, great (no condemning here). As long as you don't force yours on me (no one likes to be told what to do, right?), it's all about one's personal choice, but it was just that- my choice. no one else's. Now, as this view became more and more a stern front to which I crouched behind, I almost found myself having no relationship with sprituality besides telling myself I still believed in something greater and larger than any one of us, and appreciating the wonder and spectacle of this thing we call life, and knowing there just HAD to be something bigger and greater up there to create so much beauty and amazement that life has. Just look at those mountains out your window (if you live in CO).
Well, I have to say, I still feel the same way about organized religion (sorry, mom) at this point, but this whole event has really just reaffirmed to me my belief in something bigger and better and gone miles and miles to establish my faith and relationship with what it is we all call 'god'. Now, i've mentioned I'm not into the preachy thing, so i'll refrain from going there, but I must say it's so very refreshing to just KNOW where I stand again. And for all of you who offer prayers for me, thank you, because I very much appreciate them, and KNOW it's helping. To WHOEVER you pray to and HOWEVER you do it..thank you. To me, those deatils don't matter, b/c it's more about just having that faith. I know someone is listening and going to keep me healthy and alive for many more years to come. And that sort of thing sure makes me feel that much more confident I will lick this thing good.
ps- sorry if this offends or upsets anyone's views. i know talk on religion and god is very sensitive, but just find this blog as a place for me to air my thoughts, good or bad.

In case your gun is too far away while sleeping:

For all of you down in GA. I think this is actually a real product. Never ceases to amaze me.

Finally good news

Just talked to Anthem- they are gonna pay for ALL of my chemo. AND a second opinion w/ a second oncologist (chemo doc) to find one I really like. Heck yeah, a great way to start the day.

PEP TALK!

Nothing like a good one for me from the hottest lady on this planet. This site is working not only as entertainment for me, but also a great place for mere and I to air our thoughts and pump each other up about this task before us.

A Perfect Recipe

I'm sure all of you saw Andy's blog from earlier today "Can you Reprogram Your Mind?"

I thought everyone's response was so great, with so much truth in every answer (most of the time there is never just ONE right answer). I've given it alot of thought today too, and this is what I've come up with. . .

Now I'm talking to you Ando, and I think this sweetheart. I think, all this emotion and what's happening in your mind, I think it’s mostly just about acceptance. Or maybe, that's the best FIRST step.

We are all made of these things. . . physical and emotional things, that make us who we are. I guarantee none of us want you to change A THING about yourself, cause you are Andy and we all think you are the SHIT (ha ha-had to throw one more ass joke in there).

From my own personal therapy (which we spent some good money on honey, you might as well reap the benefits too now!), what I learned was that you can’t change the way you feel-you can only work on the way you react to it! To change the way you feel as an instinctual individual is too much pressure, too much work, and not fair to you and your emotional being.

Who are you? You are awesome! You are strong and stubborn, will-powered and determined, goal oriented and a go-getter, young and healthy, happy and vivacious . . . you are not 100% any one thing (optimist or pessimist or realist or lalalandish-who is really all of anything anyway?) You are the combination of exactly what you are made of, it’s the perfect recipe to kick this thing! I just know it in my heart and in my taste buds.

I say be scared if you feel scared! Feel “realistic” if your emotions are choosing to listen to those standardized "realistic” statistics that it could come back! Feel angry or grateful or whatever you feel. I promise to do the same. Your dad and I had a great talk about that today, that it's just normal and just expected to feel all these things. What you and I will become pros at though, is working through it by processing it and not subduing it if it's some negative thought that is getting in our way, and then learning how to smash it into the ground. (You know I'm always up for some off-the-wall ritualistic celebration for smashing it into the ground, so let me know if you want me to go that far. If not, let's just calmly work through it). Let's work through every emotion until you feel again, naturally and without force, that you're 2,000% gonna fight this and win it!

What I also learned in therapy, is with time and practice, you just begin to react differently without effort, without force! You literally teach yourself, without even realizing it, exactly how you want to be and react! It's so cool!

I think everyone's advice to you is precious and let's do it all. Our friends and family are wise and have some incredible advice that should be practiced and taken seriously, cause they know what's up in life! But I know we all agree, please don't try to change yourself, because you are one of a kind and i think you are perfect just the way you are. Enhance your reactions, but please don't struggle to change who you are.

"You literally rehearse the future in your head, and you see yourself acting in a new way. You take yourself through it safely and comfortably in your mind, over and over again. Soon it doesn't feel like new behavior at all. It feels like something you routinely do. . .the process of repeatedly seeing yourself behave in a certain way is called visualization. . .." Lou Tice (I have no idea who he is, but i just always loved that quote)

It's funny, I just searched through my closets to find this quote that I received and certainly saved from boulder county (we used to get inspirational quotes to our email every morning). I used to read it over and over when I quit smoking 11 months ago. I knew i remembered the word and concept "visualization" from somewhere when we busted it out a week ago during your pain- you see Ando!!! we were already practicing it!

We can do this babe! Together, we will do this! Mind over matter, but LOVE conquers all.

If Cancer were a Simpsons character,

this is what it'd look like.
make your own at the simpsons movie site.

generous amts of generosity...

so, you people are just so amazing. I keep getting flowers and plants and books and movies and food and all this amazing stuff that just really tugs at my heartstrings. thank you all so very much for your outpouring of love....it just means so much to me right now. I just got back from meeting with my doc to get a flu shot (stocking up now before chemo knocks me down) and he just gave me the blow-by-blow about how hard it would be to struggle thru chemo. Says it's basically a way to try to kill cancer w/out killing me. Anyway, it made me sad again (i was feeling so cheery before!) and then i get home to a bonsai tree and cards and stuff, and all that sadness just melts away. thanks so much guys. I love you all.

not THAT kind of bubbler.

so, I put this up on the Sukle blog a while back...but was re-reading them today (yes, lotta free time here folks. hence the wallpaper and b'day posts) and really find some funny, some really insightful, some just lame.
A bunch of stick on bubbles were printed and handed out in NYC. You stick 'em on ads and such and fill in comments as you like. Lord knows we coulda had a ball w/ these guys. Check them out here.

buttface

so, I know we're not europe or asia or anthing, but if any of you were wishing you had a faux b'day butt cleaner, well the washlet is for you.
I actually thought the product was funny (altho prob fairly useful if you're into that kind of thing), the site decently designed, but the opener page truly hilarious. love smiley butts.

Can you reprogram your mind?

I've been talking with my Dad and Mere a lot lately (seeing as how i'm basically on home arrest). See, I've always been a realist (maybe painfully so for Mere); I like to be prepared of all the options and possiblities in any situation. But here, with this situation, I need to be an optimist. Big time. So many people tell me that the positive attitude, KNOWING it won't come back, that's what keeps it away. I know I'm prob looking at some sort of counseling here, but I'm wondering how you change your mindset from how you've always been to a new way of thinking? I know I HAVE to do it, or I otherwise always live in fear, but man, it just seems so hard. Staying optimisitic is easy, but losing that part of me that always says "well, it COULD come back" is gonna be a task. I know I can do it, but it'll be a new way of thinking for ol' Andy.

Livin in the HOOD

Justin Fuller sent this over: "since you're gonna be spending so much time at home, you should know who's roaming the hood". yes, my friend, yes.

Killer wallcoverings.

I've never been much of a wallpaper fan, but check out Nama Rococo's wallpaper- def some of the coolest wall prints I've seen around. Site is pretty wicked, too.

Chemo helmet

So, when you get chemo you go in every few weeks for a few days and they hook this pump up to you and it pumps chemicals thru your blood stream. Hence the term 'chemo' (think 'chemicals' shortened). They put this thing in you called an "infusaport" which is basically a place to plug in each time, so you dont have to be stuck every time you go in and have to give blood and get pumped. It sounds horrible, but overall is the best answer. I'll have to go 12 times, 3 visits each time, so this saves a lot of sticking (altho I"m used to it). BUT, i thought maybe i could invent a new pump holder for chemo that looks like the old school beer helmet. Maybe the pumps sit where the cans are? Could maybe "infuse" some humor into the ol' oncologist's office, eh?

Maybe its all about you people

I just finished reading all the comments on this blog and it's so damn cool that all you people actually read this stuff and commented. The reason this thing even started was so Mere and I could stay in touch and wouldnt have to email everyone, so basically it was borne out of convienence. I had been doing the blog at work, so I knew about them and kinda wanted one to just post stuff I liked (design, art, music, funny stuff, etc) anyway, and this seemed to be the perfect opportunity to start it. Too bad the content was so super-craptacular thus far I suppose, but what the hey. Well, for this initial part, it's turned into something theraputic for us, maybe akin to an online diary. Has felt good to talk about how we're feeling (I'm learning it makes you feel better to talk about it and get it out). And, it's shown me how many people I have to lean on out there, and that's been almost overwhelming. I mean, I knew I was lucky to have more quality friends than most could ever dream of, but this has just cemented what a lucky man I truly am. well, lucky in some ways, right (laughs to self as tries to keep sense of humor)? But wow, you guys are such an amazing circle of people, and thanks for all you give to each other. Many people would give up a lot to be a member of an elite crew like we have going on. Mere and I were just discussing how we could have our own reality show, or a movie or something about us all b/c (to us) we are just so radical. Any man can come back and conquor anything w/you people behind them. So, all I'm saying is thank you and pat yourself on the back, you deserve it. And, in my downtime, I'll be working on our screenplay. Practice your paparazzi moves from your front door to your car. love you all.

Oh, what a difference a day makes.

Today has proven to be a good day. So far, days been a mixed bag of goods and bads, but thus far today hath rocked. It's amazing how each day proves to have new steps that yesterday seemed hard and now are easy. Last night I got my first 'real' night of good sleep (slept thru the whole night and really slept hard), and discovered I can again sleep on my side. YES! This AM I awoke to find getting out of bed was actually kinda easy. Albeit painful, but much much easier than it has been, and much less painful. Then, I took a shower and it was completely hassle free(!)- and I'm getting used to the fact I look a bit like a starved african baby with a slightly distended belly. The first time was slightly shocking and saddening, but I'm def getting "slimmer" and used to the scars. And, best and most exciting, I'm feeling so much stronger= I just walked around 2 full blocks w/ the dogs and mere and dad! That prob seems super short to most...but for me and the last few weeks, this is huge. Man, it's another top 10 day out there, and it feels soooo good to be out and 'normal'....just walking my dogs. The steps of improvement have been getting bigger each day, and I'm looking forward to climbing them each day.

Voicing Discontent

umm, so wtf happened to UGA yesterday? Thank god i was mid- leave of the hospy and sorta distracted (yes, getting a catheter yanked outta your johnson will make you forget about ANYTHING), b/c what i saw was plum terrible. Lord, i was mega dissapointed. Esp what all the crazy losses this weekend, again, we coulda really used that win, but instead we looked like small schoolgirls playing against anything but small schoolgirls. WEAK SAUCE.

Thank you, sir.

whoever invented these guys. thanx. I am currently eating them regularly, and they make large amounts of pain tolerable. seriously, it was a shocker to have the epidural removed after 4 days, and oxycondone is gettin this kid thru. i stupidly forgot to play my own nurse and went to bed w/out setting the alarm to take more last night and woke up in a cold sweat...but we've got it all fig'd out now, and i'm rocking it. feeling surprisingly cheeky today, and the day to day improvements are seriously amazing. The human body is inspiring. As is medicine= they have just figured so much out these days. I was literally numb from nips to nuts for four days and didnt feel a THING there. crazy, huh? And, now, they staple you back together instead of using old school stitches, and I can already tell the scar will be way less obvious. AND, these guys cut me open, took my intestines out, removed a fifth of my colon, put it all back in and i only have a scar 4 or 5 inches long. Nuts, right? only 10 staples! Hooray for new technologies, folks.

The Long Road.

Well, I've spent my first night home from Tubeville and it feels so great. I call it tubeville b/c i've never knew so many tubes could be connected to me at one time. basically, they go into most every hole you've already got (yes) and the rest they make holes for. not cool. I was so sick of them i can't tell you. Not to mention being woken up every few hours by a nurse or a beeping IV (needs refill) or the screaming lady next door to me. yes, she screamed the whole four days more or less. Not a good way to comfort other guests, for sure. I remember waking up that first night hearing her screaming "help me" over and over and having this mini-panic attack. Of course, she was totally mentally instable and i quickly picked up that she yelled to just yell, altho she was in pretty horrid shape. All in all, my first trip to the hospital was an awful one, as most everyone is in pretty bad shape there. I guess I was for a day or two, as well, but being young and strong and determined helped me beat that quickly. You quickly realize on a surgical recovery floor that everyone is pretty f-d up and pale and gross, and i was not gonna let myself be one of them.
I'm not gonna rehash the details of the stay, as mere did a pretty good job at keepin you guys informed, but it pretty much sucked. the fam and mere were true lifesavers, as i would have freaked out in there by myself. mere truly stuck by my side, literally, the whole time. she slept every night in a recliner by my bed, and altho i told her she should go home and sleep, i was soooooo glad to open my eyes and see her there. It made me less scared, even tho i was still always scared. I also feel bad tho, b/c that first night after surgery was a rough one where they couldnt figure out the right drugs to keep my numb and i was in a LOT of pain. it was exrcuciating. i was paralyzed with pain, but she was there by my side helping me, altho i know it scared the crap out of her. she is such a trooper and i am so lucky so to have her as a teamate.
so, you all also know i have to now heal, then go to chemo for 6 months. after that its all about me keeping this shit out of me for 5 years, then i should be good to go. I can do that. I know I can.
I'm currently laying on my couch watching football, enjoying mere and my dad and mere's mom. Mere's mom goes home today, and my dad will hang out some more this week to help while i get back on my feet, then we should be good to go. I'm so lucky to have them to help and all of you to help too. you DO realize all the good thougths you sent got me healed and out of the hospital a day early, don't you? well, it did. So, now, do the same w/ the crap not coming back for five years and there is no doubt it will abide by such mass thoughts. Also, thx to everyone for books, mags, games, etc, etc. It all means a lot to me. There will be more personal thank you's in the near future, but I'm still kinda weak to get into all that soon...
Which reminds me- visitors. I think i'll be up for visitors real soon. Maybe a few days. I'll keep you all posted on that, as i can't wait to see you all. I nixed hospital visitors b/c i just was not feeling good and it was way too creepy there.
Ok, gonna take a break for a sec, but as i'm sitting on this here couch for a while to come, i'll keep you all abreast of what's goin down.