Sir Issac Friendington

Man, just saw like 20+ or so of my oldest, dearest, tightest friends last night. Boy, does THAT feel good.

I know this is a terrible comparison, but: you forget you comfy your old shoes are until you put them on and tread around a bit. When you finally slip then on and feel the framiliar old fit, you remember why you always wore them, why the were always your favorite.

Forget how much I miss you guys. What a good time.

"you look good"

That seems to be first thing everyone says when they see me. Guess they all picture a pale, bald, feeble guy w/ tubes protruding from orifices. Well, I look pretty normal- for me. I'm never THAT normal, but you know. Aside from minor hair loss (no one seeems to think there is any, but i can tell) I'm basically the same ol' guy...just sporting some metal pieces under the skin in my chest.

Anyway, so far, the trip's been so great. We did xmas eve at mere's mom's, a brief sesh at my mom's on xmas morn, then xmas night at dad's. Then yesterday we did xmas again w/ mere's dad at her sister's house, so we had 4 kids running about and mere's g-ma there, too. It was chaos (we are SOOOO not used to 2-7 yr old kids FIRED up about xmas) but so much fun. We laughed a lot about the kids reactions to opening presents (they were so pumped, it was hilarious) and also laughed about how we were so tired after just an evening w/ those kids. After I've had to examine my own mortality as of late, I've realized there's a lot of things in life i wanna do that i haven't yet, including kids. Of course we have to wait until after chemo and get settled more, but it's funny how it sounds so good, then you spend an evening w/ four of them and it acts as birth control. Comical.

So, we will hopefully see my mom's sis and her fam and her mom (gramma!) tonight, and after that, we'll have seen 30 family members in 4 days. Full schedule. Been great tho- we sure miss everyone. And, we haven't even seen a single friend yet!

FYI

Colon=large intestine.

seems a lot of folks have not known that, and it seems to be a big question everyone asks me. Colon is simply a fancy name for large intestine. Another thing- surgery for this is in your stomach, not your ass.

Guess what?

4 down. thats what.

this one was a lot easier than the last, so that's GOOD action. Cannot wait to hit the GA scene in just a few days, and really feeling jovial about it being xmas. Very much looking forward to seeing my family and friends and hugging a lot of you in person that have only been hugging me over the internet, phone and letter. Gon' be good.

Also just want to thank my place of biz, Sukle Advertising, for being so good to me. Not only did they really take care of me thru all the cancer shi*t, but they gave us all the week of the holidays off- YAY! Super cool place to work...I'm lucky in that sense.

I love it when

there's a simpsons on that i've never seen.

4 way

well, numero 4 started today. my good friends tingly fingers and prickly throat action are back to hang out. i'm sure pukish urges are just around the corner, but i guess i'm happy to be moving onwards. owards and upwards as they say, whoever they are.

I have been battling a cold lately, but i learned that my immune system that battles colds is unaffected by the chemo, so that was refreshing. It more deals with the immune system that battles infections. I was super nervous that they would maybe not want to treat me if I was sick, but they didnt have any issues w/ it. It's good, b/c i was scared it'd mess my sched up and I'd not be able to come home for xmas. So, I'm on the up and up, as the cold is seemingly fading, and refreshing to know my immune system will fight the colds that float around during the winter w/ the same skills it always has. Another bonus tidbit of info: dont have get that neulasta bone marrow shot this week! My white blood cell counts are way way highter than last time so I'm all good for the trip back to GA over the holidays. I won't mind missing out on the pain the shot gives me, that's for sure.

Sometimes

I go hours and hours without even thinking about cancer or chemotherapy (in the ends of these off treatment weeks). It's huge progress and really sweet since it pretty much dominates your life when you first find out about it.

thoughts on abandonment.

What do you people think about Pettino? Personally, I don't blame the guy. His handling of the situation was def WEAK SAUCE, but the falcs scene is so beat down, with Vick and all, I'm sure any coach woulda bailed.

Last year I had the NFL ticket and could see all the Falcons games- and was fired up about it. This year, i've only seen the pathetic monday night games...and notice the spirit is gone. Both in the players, and the fans (me). I'm wondering why we all are so complacent in Atlanta. Here in Denver, the Broncos could be going 0-8 and Invesco is sold out, everyone going nuts in religious support. The worst part is I find myself paying attention to the Donkeys only b/c ATL is so terrible. God, I'm bandwagon sometimes.

Anyway, just was wondering what people are thinking. I hear rumors of Bill Cowher...I say bring on that mean-ass scowl.

This is so wrong (but damn funny):

WHY CYCLISTS SHOULD WEAR BLACK PANTS

If you've ever lived in Boulder, you'll know that its REQUIRED that you wear tight pants and a matching logo-laden shirt EVERY time you ride your fancy multi-speed race bike.

Quotes that make you go hmmmmmmmm

I just took a stress management class offered by Boulder County. I love my job and that I get paid to attend these classes. (The love for my job is a whole other blog.)

Holiday season seems to be a common time for stress. STRESS can come from What to buy? Who to buy presents for? Where are the decorations? Where to celebrate? With what side of the family? What time do we need to be there to fit it all in?

Did you know that there is an 85% association between stress and disease? I often wonder if stress is caused somewhat by the pressure of our modern American society to DO DO DO and GO GO GO and BE BE BE, with less time to do it all and more pressure and competition, in comparison with other countries/cultures/generations/societies/ways of thinking. I am guilty, regardless. I get stressed (not limited to the holidays however, i'm just tend to try to do and go and be beyond what's comfortable). You?

The fellow who taught the seminar says that STRESS emotions derive from ANGER and FEAR.

Quotes that make you go hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. It made my brain hurt trying to pinpoint the timeline of my stress over the last 31 years to just anger and fear. Can stress really be derived from just those two emotions? Typically I would fall off the face of this earth comtemplating such deep thoughts, but I chose to shake it off and pay attention to the seminar. I took notes, so please use them for what they are worth!

This is what I learned:

"Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are."
(Chinese proverb of some sort).
"You should put a limit on BMW (bitching moaning whining). Tiny amounts are good and healthy, but then you have to get on with your life."
"Anger is usually caused by unmet expectations. You have to learn to fine tune or adjust your expectations."
"He who angers you, conquers you." Elizabeth Kenny

My take on all of this, specifically for the holidays, is don't let Santa conquer you.

Happy Holidays people! Enjoy it!

woop woop, partytime.

much props to all involved with this- esp the mugs in the bands. Can't wait to drum up some $ for cancer- gon be fun to help some folks out with this.

so, here's the link to the evite for the cancer show. Pls pass around to whoever you can think of. I"ll be forwarding the link via email, too, so pre-apologies if you get a heads up multiple times.

This kid is ready for a cold brewski with you all at this event.

Back in the highlife again

Whew. Finally back. I find around saturday afternoon I start to notice a spring in my step, and Mere, too, starts to ask how I'm feeling, as she can also see a different look in my eye.

It's good to be back. This weeks round was particularly rough for me, so am real pumped to get past the 'green' days this time.

So, first real snow last night (not tons, but 4-5 inches, enough to totally cover all grass), and we got up real early and took the dogs to the park. I wish our camera wasn't outta juice when we got there, b/c Mere and I realized seeing two old dogs bust fresh tracks in new snow, while going all out for tennis ball fetch, is truly a satisfying event. Love seeing them splash about and just bound thru the pristine snow. Acting like puppies is a big deal for two old dogs, and there's something so soothing about watching them get first tracks. Just feels good.

If I were a caveman.

Not sure why, but I started to think bout how amazing modern medicine is. If I were alive in prehistoric times, if I was a caveman, I'd not live to see 40. Without question, my cancer would have spread throughout my body, and not knowing much beyond spearing small dinosaurs for dinner and rubbing sticks together for fire (and of course, dragging Mere around by her hair), I would have succumb. No other options, really.

Now, sometimes I curse medicine. Towards the end of these treatments, I curse this crap in my body, wonder how the hell I can endure this again in two weeks, and again two after. (Etc, etc.) I like to think I can sympathize with a guy from a shipwreck...dragging himself onto the beach- freeling pretty beat down and bedraggled; flogged.

Anyway, just thought I'd mention that even tho I curse this crap I deal with on pretty regular basis, I also realize it's what will keep my alive, hopefully for a long long time. It's no wonder Dr.s get paid so much- they and all of medicine is truly amazing. When you think about it like the caveman scenario, it's pretty humbling, really. Amazing and damn scary, if you're me. Either way, I'm glad to be alive today, glad to get another morning next to my lovely wife, another scratch of doggies, and even kinda glad to go attempt another very challenging day of working and trying not to throw up on myself. kidding, bout the throwing up on myself. sort of.

new day, new drug

Well, I made it thru day one, and of course, the tingly fingers are back. I should learn to make friends with them, right?

Got another dose of sobering news today. The chemo drugs are not discriminating in their hunting down and killing of cells, so they not only kill cancer cells, but the hematocrit in your blood, your red cells and the ever important, disease fighting, white blood cells.

Once you get 'plugged in' at chemo, they first suck your blood out of the port and test your cell counts before they treat you. At a certain low cell count, they'll give you a 'chemo holiday', which is a week off, to allow you to regenerate more cells. Or, they'll lower your doseage. Neither are good options: both diminish your effectiveness of treatment.

Well, my white blood count is already low (not good for flu season). Just barely but low. So, rather than do either of the afformentioned options, they give you another drug. Oh, yes! , another drug. This one is a shot called Neulasta. I get it 24 hours after treatment and it supposedly stimulates your bone marrow- where your white (and all) blood cells are created, and hopefully more good cells get made. This all sounds well and good, but this shot does have a few side effects (of course) and is spendy (1000$ or more per shot...thanks, Anthem Blue Cross Blue Shield). The main side effect is bone pain (heh, heh. he said 'bone'). I'm not thrilled about 'bone pain' (heh, heh heh heh), but guess I should be semi-happy to be getting another 'scrip for pain pills.

oh, well, another day, another drug.

3 is a magic number

Here we go folks.

I'm noticing i barely posted anything in the last week, and that's simply a testament to how good I've felt. 2-3 days after the treatment, the sickness pretty much fades. Aside from the tingly fingers/hands, it's totally gone. Then tingly thing gets way less severe, too, so I'm able to go outside and do normal things (it's instigated by cold). I'm thinking I'll even be snowboarding on the off weekends just before I go back in for a treatment.

So, I now am beginning the day that begins treatment number 3. I reminisce back on my last week and realize how nice the week off is. Keeps you sane, lets you forget what really is going on. There were moments, even hours, where I completely forgot I'm a cancer patient going thru chemotherapy. I was so wrapped up in working hard (it's REAL busy at work right now) and playing hard, too (jamming with the boyz been good lately) that I sometimes find myself all giddy about the weekend coming up before I realize that the weekend siginifies being way close to going back in for treatment. It's a real bittersweet-type situation for me. But, the positive here is that I'm feeling so good, living so 'normally', that I am completely forgetting my ordeal sometimes- and THAT is a huge step for me. To finally NOT have this 'thing' pervade my every thought is the first step to getting back to my life before this all began.

Well, here I go, off to work for the morning then back home to gather my wife and head up to get the needle put back in. It's a daunting thought, at this point, as I know i'm about to suffer thru the next 4 or 5 days, but another notch off the long list of days left in the chemo life. I hope to go bury myself in work until it's time to come home for the treatment...maybe not think about it for the morning. We're working on anti-chew/tobacco/alcohol for the state of Wyoming, so the concepting sessions been fun lately, and hoping for that again today (We presented some anti-chew ideas yesterday, and surprisingly they loved them all- even ones with somewhat abrasive lines like "clean up your chew hole". Love good clients who understand that you have to talk like kids when your're talking TO them)>

Aight, let's get this party started.......

Hawaii

I thought, for a brief few moments, last night that there was suddenly a chance for us to play in the nat'l championship. Somehow, instead we play hawaii. It will be fun to give them a loss and all, but def anything but the Big game was gonna be a bit of a bummer when you are ranked 4 and number 1 and 2 both lose: you think you're suddenly number 2 and busting a serious championship move. But, due to not playing, you're penalized, moved back a spot, and teams that played that week and won jump in front of you. NO, you're not number 2, you're now number five (you moved down w/out even losing).

Weak sauce, my friends, weak sauce.

Would you rather:

Fight Mike Tyson or talk like him

Monk-e mail

so i know some of you have prob seen this, and some of you just love monkeys (mark berger), so i thought i'd share. We work with these guys in NY who do these talking avatars online (means talking character, basically). We don't do much w/ 'em b/c it's WAY expensive, but he showed this one to us the other day when he was in and it was funny to me. It's been around for a few years but I forgot about it- you can make the monkey say whatever you want and look how you want and email to people.

If this is old news, just ignore this post.

big ups

to Rob Helmstetter for our current header. He's a huge part of our Table2press crew, and a good friend. Werd to him and his design prowess.

Guest headers welcome.

How you spent t'giving weekend at my house:

Most turkulent

Thanksgiving was a success. We had a blast with a great crew of folks.

It's funny, but the more we all discussed Thanksgiving, and our wonderful company, we sort of came to the conclusion that maybe T'giving really is the best holiday. It's def a sleeper for me, but the older I get the more I realize the value of a great meal and some stellar people to share it with. I mean think about it- Xmas gets all the hype, but is always much more stressful, what with the buying of gifts, visits, parties, etc, etc. Thanking day is nothing more than hanging with folks you love and celebrating the finer things in life: each other and our fortunate situations to have massive feasts of delicacies. The food selection is almost redonkulous. Not too often you have a three way duel on top sweet potato dish, is it? Our dessert stash alone was impressive. I was fortunately real hungry and able to mow some of everything....going way deep and hitting multi-dessert sessions to round out the primo meal.

T'giving gets my vote. We had a HUGE spread and the turkulescense meter was pegged on 'lots'. The brine turk seemed moister- but it wasn't a whole ton diff than a nicely cooked bird, so as I could tell. Regardless, it was real good. Everything was. We sure missed our family traditions for this one, but really enjoyed the mellow-ness of it all, and found ourselves nicely surprised with our 'friend-giving'.

Also nice to finally turn the corner: realize life is about enjoying the moment and Turkleday is really just that. Enjoy it, people, it's what it's all about. Give whoever is next to you a hug.

lil' ol' 12 oz roll o' sausage

Ok, so I have nothing against Jimmy Dean sausage, I swear. It prob seems that way w/ my post of the sausagecake on a the stick thingie, and now this. But to be honest, I'm quite the fan of all forms of sausage-- even tho I'm not privy to frequent consumption ,due to my new recommended diet, and sometimes lack of appetite. I haven't consumed much JD sausage, but duder on this recording REALLY likes the stuff. I believe he refers to it as 'tasty', even more so than his sausage he has made (from roadkill, no doubt). I'm not sure why this makes me laugh so much, but it's a funny customer service recording message- the end is the funniest part. "fuck, i wanna eat, godammit"

UN-plug

So, officially unplugged. Session 2- doneski. 1/6 of the way there. Next time 1/4. then 1/3.
I know that using fractions to make myself feel like I'm making progress is rudimentary, but it helps.
I've never looked so forward to finishing something in my life.

HOLIDAY!

So, we're supposed to get our first 'real' snow tonight (had small flurry in mid oct). Even tho it's gonna be really cold for a while now, and maybe winter's finally showed up, we're super excited for the first snow coordinating with Thanksgiving. We'll be sad to not be with our families, but a nice, mellow, snow-covered holiday is just what the dr. ordered. We can't wait to just chill inside and relax for 4 days. Even tho i'm feeling a little torked from the chemo, i think this t'giving/break is gonna be really fun, and I"m looking forward to starting to feel better after they unplug me tomorrow. It took a couple days last time, but hoping for quicker this time so I'm able to just MOW on turkey day.

Hope everyone has a great holiday! Enjoy.

one more:

mere just showed me a link to some shots from her model show deal, and I loved this one head shot of her, so I thought i'd share. She looks diff w/ the faux short hair, doesn''t she? Beautiful.

xmas

got our tix today- flying home on dec 24th and back on 3rd. Work gave me the ok to stay for the event on the 2nd, and chemo rearranged to make it happen, too. so, we're looking forward to visiting and seeing all you back east.

Today's quote

My family pooled together some cool quotes and inspirational tidbits and had my Auntie Anne (fellow graphic designer) lay out a "chemo calender" for me. I basically flip a page every day of treatment, kinda like an advent calender. I really liked today's quote:

"Courage is not the lack of fear, It is acting in spite of it" -Mark Twain

Give it to me, 2 times.

Got sesh numero dos underway today. Still feeling a-ok at this second, but remember it set on around 10pm tonight last treatment. After asking around, seems that the side effects (i.e. nausea) typically wear off like they did last week, so that I can expect to feel good on off weeks (SNOWBOARDING!!). Apparently you bounce back slower and slower, but last week i was rocking by about 2 days after they unplugged me.

Gotta say, the week off is really the ticket. Seemed like so long since I was in there, and it gives you time to get your head wrapped around going back in there to feel crappy again. At the end of last treatment I was wondering how the hell I'd make it thru 6 months of this bullshit (feeling pretty discouraged), but after a week recharging, and having a reg life schedule and engery, I know I can handle this again. It ain't gonna be fun, but I can totally do this. I'm actually in some ways into it- need these drugs to kill those cancer cells (pictured), even if it's killing some good 'uns while it's all up in there.

Mere and I got to meet a woman there today, too, who was on her last treament of the FOLFOX. She, too, had the same cancer (and surgeon), and was finishing her 6 months today. She was really encouraging and made us feel like we can bust thru this....made it feel like it goes by quicker than you'd think. The only bad we took away from our meeting with her was her hair was really thinned out. Like a newborns hair, kinda, where you can see the scalp thru the hair. Anyway, mine seems to not have fallen out much, if any, so far, and we're crossing our fingers it hangs around. If not, I've got clippers in the b'room just begging to be busted out.

BZZZZZZZZZZ.

Flick off cancer.

Have just learned that there is a benefit concert/silent auction for flicking off my/any cancer back in ATL this xmas holidays. The date seems to now be Jan 2nd at Smith's Olde Bar on Piedmont. Andy Dorsett has been keeping me in the loop, and seemingly spearheading this event with a bunch of other folks. He's described it as a benefit for me- but I see it as a benefit to beat cancer. Either way, he and everyone working on it are true friends for doing this (not that I needed this to know that).

I don't have all the details yet, nor am I even sure Mere and I can be there for it, but thought I'd maybe mention it. I will update w/ better info when I get it, but for now I know there's supposed to be some kind of silent auction, Entropy is supposed to play, and I think either Dubconscious or one of Adrian's side bands if not Dubconscious. I"m sure you all remember Entropy from our wedding (they bring the funk) and prob already know Dubc (rocking reggae). Click the links and check them out if you dont. They are not only great musicians, but wonderful people and great friends. And yes, I'm a bit biased.

Regardless of how it pans out, I'm really touched that people would want to do something so sweet for me, and can't say how much it means to me. Just the thought of it is what means the most. We're doing our damnedest over here to adjust chemo and work schedules so we can be home for that event. If nothing else, would love to just see everyone. No matter what, we're back in ATL for a week or so at some point in the holidays- hope it coordinates w/ this night, and REALLY hope to see everyone for a real hug in person over the holidays. I MISS YOU ALL A TON (those of you back east)

briningtime

So, this year Mere and I are really excited to have a mellow t'giving holiday around Denver. We're usually back in ATL or up in PA at my uncle curly's place, so this will be a change for us. But, seeing as how we've had such a hectic last few months and seen a bunch of family in that time, we're actually looking forward to a 4 day weekend and NOT going anywhere. We're eating at Ryan's house and there should be around 10-12 folks there, everyone bringing a few things to add up to one HUGE feast.

That leads me to the bird: it's also HUGE. 22lbs of goodness. And, we've been hearing some tidbits about how soaking a bird in brine really adds to the moisture (no one likes dry turkey) and adds flavor. Here's an article supporting brine activity.

So, after some pow-wowing w/ Ryan and Sully, we've decided to go for it. think it soaks for up to 8 hrs.

Will let you know how the brine works- very curious. Hoping for a moist, succulent poultry session on thursday.

I"m betting on the Hersh.

I was reading one my fav sports site, deadspin.com (it's pretty funny), and came across an article disucssing Spurrier mouthing off, upset about the Dawgs TD dance in FLA- sweetness, by the way. Hershel got all fired up and basically challenges Ballcoach to a dukefest. For real. This may be old news back south...but new to me in colorado. No doublt Stevie'd be working a few black eyes, a few less teeth and as sore crotchal region after that fiasco.

The article is funny, comments below, too. Check it out.

Go dawgs.

New Fangled Corn dogs

I find this hilarious. While, admittedly, a fan of both the sweet/salt combo and a once-lover of corn dogs, this product is nuts. I sausage link on a stick covered in choc chip pancakes.
Eating one is like being touched by the almighty, you will see light. I've heard parents forcing thier kids to eat them can be arrested for child abuse. Warning: causes 10yr olds w/ pacemakers.
Wouldn't you just love to have seen the meetings and focus groups when they decided this was a good product to make?

Hot models

There was actually a real photographer there, so I didn't shoot any shots myself, but I got this one via Mere. I guess the photog guy will get us some shots sometime soon, but for now thought I"d show this off. I'm sure the runway ones will be even better. Here's she's back into her regular clothes after the show- She was modeling for Maria Inez clothing, a clothing designer from Boulder. Our friend Kelly works for her, and the clothes seemed cool, for what i know of ladies attire. See for yourself.

They had her hair all tucked up short looking, and she came out, did a stop/pose, then another, then satarted walking down the runway and THEN I realized it was her. Honestly didn't even recognize her for a good few seconds. Was a seemingly common response amongst the few dudes I knew there....amazing how diff those model makeovers can make someone look! She's always hot, but she looked a totally diff lady sunday night.

Two Time Kelp Licker

According to the "original gangsta" name creator, this is my gangster name. Mere is "chewy the forty sipppa". nice.

See what your name would be here.

weekend hits!

Feeling good, looking up. Seems the nasty feeling goes away by the weekend after the treatment, or it did this week at least. Dawgs whupped, sun was shining (65 and sunny today!), pooches visited parks, coffee shops were inhabited, video games dominated, found kegs came to visit (long story, but ryan found a half pony keg in front of his house iced down, so he brought it to the UGA game and we each got a coupla free beers), bikes were ridden, visited w/ Al Fine, both healthy and gluttonous-diet-bending foods consumed......overall a great time. I'm on my way to boulder tonight so see mrs. mere in a fashion show, too! Obviously, she'll look beautiful, but i'll do my best to snap some shots to show off- pending her approval, of course. Only dog house I'm wanting in this weekend is the DAWG house. god, sorry, that was terrible.

1 down, 11 to go.

Whew. Glad to have that thing off me. I am so, so glad to be done with one treatment, but am realizing this is gonna be hard. This stuff makes you feel pretty crappy. It's 'suppressing' your bone marrow from making good, healthy cells, as it attempts to kill your cancer cells, which are resistant to being killed. And it feels like it. Overall, I just always feel kinda queasy, and have a headache and feel tired all the time. Sorta like death warmed over, pun intended. It seemed like I felt instantly better after they removed the needle today...but I'm thinking it was mental (gotta get it where you can) as I"m still feeling the same way i felt this AM when i woke up with the pump still on.

They (whoever 'they' are) describe chemo as trying to kill cancer cells without actually killing you...altho it sometimes feels like it IS sorta killing you. I'm def already getting sick of all the pills/drugs/etc and am so much looking forward to that day when this f'ing port dealie gets removed from my chest. THATS the day I've finally finished, to me, and I'll be so happy. It's a long ways off, I know, but I've got my eye on it- and am always working towards it.

excited to get thru tomorrow, have a mellow recoup weekend and root for the dawgs on saturday.

happy birthday to you, X 2.

with my immune system being slightly beaten down nowadays, hand washing is a really important part of my routine. I was just informed by my nurse that you are supposed to sing happy birthday to yourself TWO TIMES while you scrub your hands. They say it's the friction, not the soap, that cleans you.
A couple months ago i was never washing my hands, unless i was visiting deuce mcallister, of course (too much info, i know). So, this is a new tidbit of info for me, and maybe all you non-handwashing dudes out there might start celebrating your birthday more often.

another lesson.

Mere met a woman during her spa session who was a recovering Cancer patient...she said to tell me one important lesson: "never get cocky w/ the chemo- right when you think 'i can handle this' it'll knock your ass in the dirt".
Of course I blather on how great I feel in my post last night, to then say goodnight to my Dad and suddenly be hit with heartburn (another side effect), headaches and an overall barfy feeling. Guess that lady was right!

Anyway, took an ambien at 9.30 and slept thru the night, which was great considering there's tubes connected to the pump on the nightstand. Woke up feeling equally craptastic, but I guess that's to be expected. After a shower and some yogurt, berries and tea, I'm feeling a little better. the depressing part is this is only day 2 of 36.

The good news is, tho, pending how I'm feeling, my sessions are always going to be in the afternoon in the future, so I may be able to work half days on tues/weds, and on thurs I just go in to have the pump removed. so, if i'm feeling better (i'm assuming I'll get used to feeling like hurling all the time) I can keep my mind occupied with some work!

Miss you all. cannot wait to see you SE'ers back home for the holidays...working on plane tix this week.

day 1 = doneski.

Day 1 office visit is officially done. It actually was much less horrible than I thought, to be honest. I mean, yes, they shove a needle into the port in your chest, draw blood out of it, then drip highly toxic chemicals into your bloodstream. This we knew would happen, tho. But, the overall experience was much more pleasant than I expected. Nice nurses, a nice corner for me, dad and mere to chill in..

So, I had my first drip of anti-nausea meds, then the oxiliplatin, then the first bolus (fancy doctor word for 'intraveneous shot') of Fu5. After that they then hook you up with your pump that you wear until you go back in tomorrow. Tomorrow I get my last in-office drip of leukovorin and then more Fu5, then another overnight pump, and I only go in thursday to just have the pump removed and the port flushed (they just push thru some saline solution to keep it sterile and clean). unless i dont feel good, i'm only in there 15 mins on thursday. YES. then done for around two weeks.

Now the picture: I know fanny packs are somwhat lame. I mean, totally lame. They are fodder for many a joke amongst some friends (sorry if you're a fanny pack wearer). And LOOK AT ME, I'm sporting one as I type this. it holds this small pump that slowly pumps a ML of toxic junk into my jugular per hour. ugly and uncool. weak sauce.

Anyway, I'm surprisingly feeling good. A slight headache, maybe, but not sick at all yet (knocks on wood). Noticed my fingers tingling under my fingernails walking to the car tonight in the cold, and have a slight tingle in my jaw when I first ate tonight..sort of a tingling pain there and under the tongue, but it seemed to go away as I ate, thank goodness. I know it's only day one, and i'm still currently pumping, but I'm really feeling optimistic considering how "normal" I feel. Was expecting to feel worse already (knocks wood, again). Hoping to wake up feeling just like I do right now.

Pump that jugport.

hello chemo-sabe

Ok, so I realize this Joe Chemo ad is sorta tasteless, but seeing as how friday was mere's one year smoke-free (booya!), I thought it made sense. If you haven't quit, do it. Believe me, you do NOT want cancer.

So, my preaching now done, I'll move on: YAY! it's chemo time! I say that in a sarcastic tone, yet partially am glad it's really time. Like that 5 days between the diagnosis and my surgery, it's hard knowing what's ahead and then having so much time to just sit around and think about it. It's much easier to hear what you have to do and then immediately do it w/out having too much time to analyze how much potential suckage exsists in your future.

I've now been thoroughly prepared as to what to expect via docs, internet, Townzen, etc. I know there will be good days and bad ones, and side effects galore: they're not sure on this, but maybe/hopefully no hair loss; tingling in hands and feet: a.k.a. neuropothy; sores in mouth; nausea; possible sterility; sensitivity to cold (apparently only like room temp drinks, hate cold door nobs, fridges, etc); and maybe some more stuff I'm forgetting. It's not surprising there's so many side effects, tho- I mean if you think about it, the chemicals are intended to wear down and kill resistant cells (cancer) in your body, so along the way there will prob be some killing of good cells, too, as well as other things inside you. Hell, even the drugs to treat the side effects have side effects. The nausea drugs give you headaches and insomnia. So now I have ambien and even stronger anti-nausea drugs. Drugs for drugs....it's genius. No wonder pharma salespeople make bank.

So, there's harsh chemicals pumped thru you every two weeks for three days (tuesday-thursday) and I'm not expecting it to be fun. My treatment plan is called FOLFOX and is a combination of three main drugs: FU5, Lukovrin and oxiliplatin. I most likely just butchered those names, but what do you expect, I work in advertising, not medicine. Who thinks up these drug names, anyway? I'd love that job: 'uhh, yeah, we'll call this stuff "franktavin." Make the logo a stick man hurdling a hospital bed, please.

I've really taken advantage of my 'eat whatever you can' diet as of late, seeing as how I will move onto birdseed and twigs and berries as of tuesday. Well, it's not THAT bad, but I will be going back to my pre-cancer healthy routine, only prob twice as healthy. It's all good, though, I'm frankly getting sick of eating only craptacular fare. I've managed to pack on around 8 or 9 lbs since surgery (a lot for my skinny ass) and am feeling muey peppy and completely back to my old self. I may lose a few of those lbs during the chemo, as i may be on the bulemics diet (barfing), so I've given in and my annual jean acquisition (which usually occurs now) has resulted and buying a size down from normal. On sex and the city (mere makes me watch) they call them their 'skinny jeans'. I'm calling them my 'cancer pants'.

well, in conclusion, I'm feeling really great and am pumped up to get this final leg in the immediate treatment plan underway. I had a great visit w/ India this weekend, and now Dad is here to be moral support for the first sizzle session on tuesday. I'm feeling strong, determined, optimistic, and really really blessed you're all on my team. love to you all.

xoxoxoxo.

Tooting my own horn

One year ago to this day, I quit smoking. I am very proud of myself. In all honesty, I LOVED smoking, and all the moments that I associated with it. But what I love even more is not smoking! I feel so capable and confident in myself, cause if I can quit smoking, I can do just about anything! It's all about setting your
mind to do it. If you want it, you can do it.

I still have the urge and have accepted that I may always have the urge throughout the rest of my life. . . that's how fond I am (was) of smoking. But i won't dare do it, cause I know myself well enough to know I'll get suckered right back in with just one small puff of a cig. Just like Lay's potato chips, I can't have just one.

For anyone who desires to quit. . . it's all about the patch! Call 1800-quitline, a national organization that kicks ass, with support groups and chat lines and information and most importantly, FREE PATCHES! They interview you for 10 minutes and then send you free boxes of patches, as many as you need.

If I could quit, anyone can quit. It's the best thing I've ever done for myself.

Hi Biscus!

I did some work in Hawaii in May of 2006, and brought home some seeds of Hibiscus and Birds of Paradise. I planted them right away and have been giving it my green thumb all, but they have been slow to respond to my TLC. Anyway, the hibiscus just so happened to bloom for the first time on Port Day. In fact, it had JUST opened and was gleaming at us when we walked in the door from the hospital. YES!

The bloom fell off the next morning. A quick thrill indeed. It picked a good day to celebrate right along with us. I don't even care if it doesn't bloom again.

Just discovered something cool. . . read my comment to this blog.

So crazy, so sexy

Saw this great documentary on TLC called 'Crazy Sexy Cancer'. This girl in the pic, Kris Carr, finds out she has a rare form of cancer that has 24 slow growing tumors. The whole documentary is about her dealing with having incurable cancer, her trip thru the emotions, her meetings with other young cancer ladies, and her changes to her life as she deals with healing. She really changes her diet a ton, and it actually seems to help her get control of the tumors. Along the way her cameraman becomes her boyfriend, and eventually her husband. The girl is really fun and makes for great host, and it ends up sorta feel good by the end.

For Mere and I, it was a really fitting thing to watch (thanks for the rec, Kristina and Rob Woodworth), and we've had it on our DVR a since the series and finally got around to watching it. I could sympathize and understand so much she had to say, and it's nice for me to have folks to relate to. A good watch if you ever see it on TLC again.

Speaking of which, got to speak with my cousin Townzen last night, and he seems to be doing well, and is 2 sessions into chemo. Sounds as if he's positive and upbeat, and it's great to talk with him and share our experiences. So strange we're going thru this at the same time, and kinda nice he's a few weeks ahead of me so I can call and ask him questions. Gooooo Townz!

BACK!

First day back at work yesterday, and it went great. Today I have no doctor stuff, so will get a "whole" day in there, and am looking forwrd to it. Feels real good to be back in the saddle. Helps make life feel a little more 'normal'.

Wooo hooo.

The ol' oncologists came thru w/ some of these bad boys for me. So long soreness.
Work will be much more 'fun' tomorrow.

ummm, ouch!?

Well, Mere has always been good at making this stuff seem like an event (in a fun way) . Port day (see post below) was a good idea to take my mind off the fact that there I was: once again in PSL Hospital, once again in a gown, IV laden, laying in a hospital bed. I guess for some reason, I thought I'd just waltz in there, they'd pop something on me and I'd be out! just like that. Well, we were both a little caught off guard when we realized this was no quickie. I mean, it was outpatient, but it was still gonna hurt. As you can see in the pic here, they put a fairly large metal thingie under your skin, above the pectorial muscle. It's actually a really cool device, holding one reminded me of maybe what an ipod would be in 10 yrs. Mega small, really well made bit of metal. The thing now basically means I will be IV free for the rest of this, which rules. Tired of those, for sure.

Apparently chemo drugs are harsh on small veins, so drugs will go in thru this port, which is hooked into my jug vein. Will end up being a benefit in the long run to have this deal, but for now, i'm still kinda reeling from the whole experience: Another surgery, another shaving, another operating room, another incision, another scar.

I think the worst part is not that this caught me off guard in the whole event, but that I am again real sore and hurting. I'm sure this will go away quick this time (they dont even give you pain meds for this), but it's still hurting, and my skin is stretched so tight with this huge lump now protruding from it. Once the pain goes away, tho, I will have this reminder everytime I see my skeletal self in the mirror to remind me of all this crap. Sweet souvenir, eh? As if the skeleton chest wasn't enough. Now I have a small friend to say hello to on my chest for the next 6 months. hello small frye.

Big ups to mere for being by my side once again.

Port Day

Well, here we are again, at good ol' Presbyterian St. Luke's hospital, in honor of Port Day. Port Day is a new holiday that I just came up with this morning (Andy and I are even taking off work for it). I invented this holiday as I first sat down here for today. Once again I sat down here, in the same waiting room, with the same computer on my lap, infusing words and feelings into this same blog (another type of portal), as I anxiously await my same dear husband to finish up with another procedure. Making a holiday out of it is a way to put some spunk into some all too familiar territory.

Bless his heart . . . shoot, while we're at it, bless my heart. . . as it is always tough for us to come back here. Exactly 4 weeks ago today, we were all sitting in this same room while Andy was getting a foot of his colon and that unwelcomed tumor removed from his precious body temple.

Thank God for 4 weeks later!!

Thank God for Andy's continual courage and humor as he continues down this path. We were just commenting this morning how hospitals are just plain creepy, especially this one since we have so much memory and emotion tied to it, but how the process has become so familiar to him that he's almost immune to it. The admission, the hospital gown, the IV, the many many doctors asking the same damn questions ("allergic to any medications?" they say. . . as if we didn't just tell 4 previous doctors just minutes before, "sulfa drug".), the "happy juice", and then into the procedure. He never ceases to amaze me . . he's so dang sweet and polite to all the doctors and nurses as they poke and prod him and wheel him away for another invasive process. He is truly my hero.

So today on Port Day, I'm gonna celebrate these things that relate to my hero:

-Today is his official 4 week full recovery date from his colon resection surgery. .
-Today, right now in fact, as he gets this port injected into his jugular vein, he is one step closer to being done with all of this and getting his normal life back. . .
-I just learned he is getting the "POWER PORT", which basically takes place of an IV for the next 6 months. The power in this port is that it not only takes in chemo meds, but any type of med that would normally go in an IV. This = NO MORE IV's for 6 months! Something to celebrate alone right there!
-Aside from this synthetic port I speak of, what's even more powerful are his real portals (heart and mind)-the ones that came with him originally and will never leave him (that synthetic one only has the privledge to be with him for 6 months). It is so touching for me to witness the reaction from his heart and mind, as he takes in all of the love and support, that is delivered by all of you! BOTH of us are inundated with love and support, and it is absolutely what is holding us up and keeping us going. It's an enormous sea of loveboats out there, sending precious cargo of thoughts and prayers and letters and packages. . . it is absolutely breathtaking and we thank you from the bottom of our hearts.
-And last but not least, I will celebrate what Andy is portaling (a word?) right back to us. True Inspiration.

Perhaps I will celebrate this holiday with a glass of, hmmmm, port wine? (that was too easy).

Happy Port Day!

The force is strong in this one

thinking Kaya and Butterbean could go as this. Or maybe Jabba the Hut would be more fitting for kyle and Butter would be Jar Jar Binks.

Very Odd.

ummm, yeah. So, I like, want kids, right? Or, should I say WE want kids. Not now (enuf to deal with immediately, but soon after all this). so, this requires some of these guys in this picture. Well, chances are I won't have those guys during or after chemo. They'll (hopefully) come back to me, but if not.....well, lets just say they make ice cubes out of 'em now and thaw 'em when you need them (read: want a child). Safety net, as they call it.

So this brings me to a VERY strange morning. How about a "reproductive and fertility clinic". ok, weird. then, how about a MALE NURSE showing you to your "collection room". ummm, slightly more awkward. Then, for once in your life, you-know-what is encouraged...required, even. And in some odd doctor's office room. So weird I can't even explain. Like, the strange meter is off the charts. It's broken and smoking, actually.

GOD, this whole cancer/treatment process has sure toughened me up, and the strange, uncomfortable, and humiliating experiences seem to just keep rolling at me. Gotta say on my toes or else I may get knocked over by one. You just have to go with the flow...roll with the punches.

the worst part is I have to go back twice more this week. damn. guess it'll be worth it when I have a child...but for now it's just plain torture.

Mac-o-lantern

ok, so- this is the first Halloween in a LONG time that Mere and I haven't had some big ol' plans. And, I'm actually fine with that. Had a whole lot going on lately and am kinda glad to just have a mellow one. Maybe walk down the street and check out the Motet covering Jamiroqui (sp?) for a minute, but nothing big.
anyway, to commemorate that I'm not COMPLETELY bah humbug, i thought this was a fun use for those old school macs, if you still got one laying around. I think I donated mine to the Portfolio Center when I was in school. Anyway, some dudes spent the time to give you a how-to on this. Good to see others have way too much free time as well.

Booyakasha!!

Kapow! Shazam! Waddah-tah! and BAM! I have no idea how it happened, but I just wanted to say that the Dawgs beating the dreaded Gay-tors this weekend, has sure made my weekend! I thought maybe my mojo had turned, after receiving the good PET scan news, and would carry all weekend, but of course the Rockies were once more dominated last night. Not looking good for them.

Regardless, tho, I'm still riding high on my news from last week, on the Dawgs, and just overall really feeling optimistic. I know the road ahead is still a toughie, but I'm feeling re-energized. Could it be that footlong chicken cheesesteak i just ate? Who knows. Maybe it is. All I know is I'm feeling good. I've been able to sleep better since that news, and my bad dreams seem to be lessening (had bad dreams every night for weeks now, and was having a HELL of a time falling asleep the last few weeks, too).

Here's to keeping the mojo working, keeping the spirits up, and getting thru what the future holds. Also to the Rockies finally winning one tonight. Please.

One more week of mowing junk food. Gonna take full advantage. Hoping to start work tuesday, altho have outpatient surgery tues AM to get the infusaport in. Either way, gonna get back into the office sometime early this week. Am excited to get back to it.

Quote for today

A good friend sent this over yesterday (very fitting for such a positive day), and a lot of you have prob read it before, but I thought I'd put it up:

Keep your thoughts positive because your thoughts become your words.

Keep your words positive because your words become your behaviors.

Keep your behaviors positive because your behaviors become your habits.

Keep your habits positive because your habits become your values.

Keep your values positive because your values become your destiny.

-Gandhi

Hard to always abide by this- but real true and worth a try!

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAWWWWWW!!!

THE BEST NEWS I'VE HAD SINCE THIS ALL BEGAN: my PET scan came back "normal". YES, YES, YES, YES, YES, YES!!!! I'd be lying if I didn't just up front admit I've been so scared the last few days. Really scared. Just wondering: " what if there's more microscopic cancer cells that the CT scan didn't pick up?". I've been practicing my visualization of healthy cells, staying positive, trying to KNOW i'm all good in there...but, man, that fear and doubt just creep in. There's no way to keep it out all together, it's just a part of being a human. So, that being said, I've been laying in bed the last few nights thinking so much about how I'd handle this moment....just in case it was bad news. Lord knows I've gotten good at handling bad news, but this one was BIG. I just wasn't sure I could take this all over again...realizing I STILL have this dreaded cancer inside me after a HUGE surgery to get it out. Well, I don't have to deal, b/c TODAY IS A GOOD DAY!! God, i just want to click my heels together down my whole block. Just giddy; so relieved. Finally, finally, finally some good news. I haven't felt this good and hopeful in a while. It's like I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders the last few days, and it's been lifted! I'm just so happy right now I can't contain myself.

I meet with my oncologist next week, get the infusaport put in, and start the chemo the week after. The schedule should allow for me to be home for Xmas, and lets me do some "banking" next week.

Music as therapy

I've always been a huge fan of music. Since as long as I can remember, I've loved getting that new album that just makes me giddy, listening to it until I know it backwards and forwards. I love how it can be so threaputic- to me, there's music for every emotion, every time in life. And, as I've recently learned, playing music is also quite the release. All in all, to me, music is an amazing artisitic creation that everyone can wrap their heads around: it just makes you feel good. Everyone has a heartbeat- everyone understands rhythm (some better than others).
So, I thought maybe sometimes I could share with you guys what music I'm listening to. Now, those of you working in the music industry, well, I know this is illegal. But, I'm figuring that not that many people are really reading this, and, well, after receiving so much in the way of prayers, thoughts, gifts, support, love, lessons, recipes, hugs, etc from you people, this just seemed like something I could give back. Something I love, and would love to share. I am sorry if this upsets anyone.

Also, I've put these albums on sendspace.com. You should be able to click the link and then download from the page, and I guess there's a certain number of downloads before it is done and I'd have to reload (no idea how many it has on each file).

I thought I'd post what I'm currently listening to a lot, and to what it correlates to. This first one is the new Eddie Vedder album. It's the soundtrack to the "into the wild" movie. It's way more mellow and brooding than your typical Pearl Jam album, and I am really enjoying the emotional feel it has. I've been feeling a lot of ups and downs in my life lately, and this really speaks to that- it just feels kinda sad yet hopeful. The song "Hard Sun" has some really fitting lyrics for me right now, having Mere by my side thru a hard time in a hard world. You can listen to the tracks here on amazon(scroll down for clips). You can download the .zip file (it's compressed, uncompress it and they are mp3s that will play in itunes) here if you like it.

Now, I thought I'd put up something real happy and fun to mix with that previous album. It's the newest Greyboy Allstars album. When I'm feeling happy and want that dip in my hip and glide in my stride, this works great. Funky boogaloo jazz. Listen here(scroll down). Download here.

More to come later on. stay tuned.

Bucket full of new lessons

So, I asked a while back if you could 'reprogram your mind'. I got a whole lot of responses, and it's pretty amazing all the stuff I've learned since then from all of you. I've already told you most of the stuff I've learned from this whole experience (enjoy today, dont worry so much about the future-never know how long you have; it's okay to ask for help from those you love- they are here for you; there's a bigger picture that this thing has to be a part of; emotions are ok; etc, etc), but what I'm now realizing is that I'm also learning tons from all of you. I've recieved so many diff types of books on healing, diets, meditaions, survivor stories, cancer information/healing, visualizations, etc and am actively going thru them all (there's a lot of 'em, so will take a while to read them ALL). 2 months ago, some of the stuff I'd have not tried- maybe too out there for me. Well, I've also learned from this that taking off your "blinders" and trying things you wouldn't normally is what life is all about. So, I'm trying it all, and thank you all for sharing your personal beliefs, thoughts, prayers, and techniques for balance, health and spirituality with me, NO MATTER HOW UNORTHODOX they are. Really, it all is about your personal choice, which I respect so much, and I feel very lucky you could all feel close enough to me to share. So, thank you- I used some new techniques of visualization to stay calm and focused while I was laying in the PET scan tube for 30 mintues yesterday. i'm not a huge fan of close quarters, so this helped me stay calm, and to visualize my healthy happy future. I hope to hear the results of that test sometime this week. Will keep you all posted. Once again, thanks for sharing with me- I really appreciate it.

Stymied

Rockies servers 'crashed' yesterday (duh) and that's why no one got tix. Well, they went onsale again today and again, no one got them. So weak. My pals out here and I all tried ourselves silly, as it's not too often the World Series is just a few blocks from your house, and how fun to go. Oh, well, guess I'm watching on TV.

it's noon....time to pull for Kristina.

Our friend that Mere posted about a while ago, Kristina, is going back under the knife today to remove the rest of her thyroid, as her tumor they removed before was found to have a small bit of cancerous mass in it. I just hope everyone can take 5 seconds or so, and just say a quick prayer for her. She totally rocks the house, and is super important to us, and I'm thinking anything helps. I know everything will go just fine, but we can all hope for a speedy and healthy recovery for her.

Gooooo, Kris. We are on YOUR TEAM!

Sometimes it's the simple things.

So, as a victory for not eating since the monday before the colonoscopy a month or so ago (it was on a thurs afternoon) mere bought me a Chick-fil-a sammy on her way down from boulder that day. Lemme tell you, I was fired up about it. Not only had I not eaten in days, but Chick-fil-a. I mean, come on- they rule it. Unfortunately, there aren't a lot of them in CO (just a few actually) and we usually have to go way out of our way for one. So, needless to say I was ready for it. Then we naively went to the procedure, no idea that it could result in cancer. Of course, after the news, the Dr recommended no 'real' food until after the surgery, which was not until the next tuesday, and I never ate the chicken sandwich, altho the car ride home smelled like we were IN a chick-fil-a.

Now, for some reason, that became the victory focus... get healed enough to eat chick-fil-a. It almost was a joke w/ my surgeon and I and my family. So, I went along thru surgery, healing, etc, and funny enuf, i never was near one to eat it (still haven't left my house or 10-20 block radius much). Then today, Will brought me a Chick-fil-a biscuit for breakfast. Ironically, I'm going for the PET scan today, and again, cannot eat all day. Funny...errrr, sort of. Anyway, I know i won't get the results of this scan for a few days, but I'm bringing this damn biscuit in hopes that today I walk out of this scan and can eat it on the way home...signifying a small victory to just be done with it and moving on into the next phase of treatment. It also signifies me getting over another really really scary hump, and figuring out what is left in me, cancer-wise. So, to some it might just be a piece of fried chicken on some sort of bread...but to me, it means I'm making progress and will get thru all this.

Weekend fam.

Just wanted to say that having some fam here this weekend, was real nice. We just played it mellow and watched lots of football and baseball and had lots of good food. Trying to fatten myself up (already gained 6lbs since surgery!). Pictured here we were eating at the Italian joint down the street- we had a great dinner and even better time. Man, feels so good to get out of the house and get life back to a more normal swing.
Chris and Ash left today (I already miss them) and Mom and Mike roll out tomorrow. We spent today cleaning the heck out of the apartment (even washed the dogs) and getting errands done, so that was a HUGE help. Will also really miss them.
Got the PET scan tomorrow, so will know if there's any more cancer in me. Cross the fingers and toes. And eyes.

Dang ol' rockies.

I got some beef with the Rockies. I mean, we're all really glad they are in the series. But, they are selling the tix online only. What that does, is allow people anywhere in the country, scalpers included, to attempt to buy the tix. So, being a Denver/frontrange/CO resident in no way allows you a better chance at tix. Usually they sell them at the ballpark...well, not this year. And, we all know what happens when you try to buy tix online w/ a huge amt of people trying- the servers sieze up and no one gets tix. That is EXACTLY what happened. No one I know got them. So lame. Now, what's happening is that scalpers all over the country with no affiliation to Rocks or Sox are making lots of money on the tix and people who just want to go can't get some w/out paying a ton. Weak Sauce!

Ol' Salty Balls

So, we went out last night with Chris and Ash and Will and Jennie to have a nice dinner of vietnamese tapas at this cool place, Parallel 17, down the street. By the way, it was my second dinner out (thx to Will, Lisa P and Mindy for the first- Lola was GREAT), and feels really good to be seeing myself move back towards normality....I should be back at 100-ish% by end of next week!
Anyway, there was this cute, very old, choc lab tied up on the patio we were eating on. We all commented on what a handsome dog he was..and as the table next to him got up and left, they didn't grab him. We all, of course, said "hey, you forgot your dog". It wasn't thiers. The staff had tied him up b/c he was stray and trying to get into the kitchen (old boy knows where to get his grub on). This dog, to us, was obviously someones dog (choke chain, and older than any stray would live) and not a stray. The staff was too busy to deal and begging us to help... so, of course, we brought him home. We named him Salty Balls, b/c he's pretty old and salty. He's seen some stuff.

He seemed to assimilate well to our three pooches (Jennie's golden, Jada, was over, too), except Butterbean, the most submissive dog ever, always showed her teeth when Salty came near. She spent the night hiding in the back room. Salty actually made Kyle look really young, so that was kinda refreshing. We quickly learned Salty's reaction to anything that excited him was to bark an incessant string of 30 or so hoarse old man barks (NOT a big selling point of his, I must say). Thank god he went to bed when we did and slept the night. After an AM barking session, he ate and followed Kaya around the yard (she IS the alpha of the roost). Then, good-deed Mere went and hung "found dog" signs all around where we found him. On the way home we were on the phone and I said "huh, I don't see Salty Balls in our front OR back yard...that's strange. Oh, well, he's too old to get out"> next thing i know, mere is yelling "oh, my god! Salty's in the road! I SEE HIM! COME HELP!". Dude sqeezed out the many openings in our fence, and in his old man haze stumbled into the road and just stood there (I was already picturing Will doing free surgery on ol' Salty). Makes me realize how lucky we are our dogs don't go anywhere (butterbean once accidentally got out and sat by the back fence door until 5am when mere got up to pee and realized she wasn't in the apt). anyway, we got him safely home, and he immediately tried to escape again. And again. We realized it was time for Salty to go to the humane society.

Oh, well, good bye Salty. We'll keep an eye on his profile on the Dumb Friends Site..if no one gets him, maybe we'll readopt (altho two dogs is plenty right now). At least all the excitement took our minds off the issues we've been dealing with, and that actually felt real nice.

A couple more good Omens to add to the Pot

You know when things happen in life that you just know were not a coincidence? I’m not talking about “everything happens for a reason” everyday type things, but those things that happen that make you stop in your tracks and realize the moment for what it is - like you can't believe what is coming together, as if that moment was created just for you!

Throughout this daunting experience with Andy, there have been numerous propitious (good word choice eh Indy?) happenings that just give me the chills and fill me up with so much emotion, because I KNOW they are signs that everything is gonna be alright. I’m here in this blog to share a couple of them, cause I think they make a good story. . .plus this blog is a journal, and i don't want to forget these moments and how much they impacted me.

The most recent one occurred after I wrote my “Thank you to my In-Laws” blog, where I went on and on about my nail polish experience and my color choice. BELIEVE! Ahhh, as if I wasn’t already inspired enough by THAT moment. A couple hours after I sent that blog, I got a package in the mail from two of my very dearest friends-India Rows and Casey Blomquist, whom I hadn’t even talked to about my polish experience and who had bought me this gift a week or so before when they were together in Georgia. The gift is displayed in the photo included in this blog, a sparkly ornament that just gleamed “BELIEVE” at me when I opened the box. I immediately burst into good feeling tears (and had already had some wine in me which intensified the emotions, but still. . .) It is officially my favorite word. It is currently being applied in my life in so many ways.

Another definitely worth mentioning occurred a week ago at the Widespread Panic show. Before I left for the show as I was getting ready, I was a bit emotional and was wondering how the music and the words would effect me. For some reason, I was thinking about “Ain’t Life Grand” (as generic a song it is, there are still some lines that make me feel in that song). I was thinking about these simple lines in that simple song and how they would break me a bit if I heard them without Andy next to me like he usually is:

“My wife's got the blues
Now I've got them
Gonna bring her a kiss . . ”

And then I went to the show that Friday night. Come second set, I was saying to myself that I thought it was an "Ain't Life Grand" kind-of show (those of you who know what i mean, you know what i mean). I shared that thought and my intuition with my good friend Justin beside me, and told him about my emotional ties to those lines and that I might loose it if JB sang them to me. Sure enough, just a song or two later, they played it. Justin was all supportive and huggin' me as we anticipated the upcoming lyrics together, but when it came down to the time for them, I kid you not. . ..JB SKIPPED THOSE SPECIFIC LINES. (I know JB gets tipsy and forgets/skips lines, but three of them and those in particular??? Too weird) They just jammed out the instrumental part where the lyrics were supposed to go, so i just danced my booty off and didn't wonder why. They picked back up again at “MAKE THOSE BLUES RUN!!!!!". It was nuts. And it felt good!

Call me cheesy, but these types of moments are the fuel in my life.

not much to report.

It's friday, and not much around here. Getting a visit from the bro and sis (ash and chris) today, mom and stepdad mike tomorrow, too. should be a nice weekend w/ more family visits.
Got a second opin on by another oncologist today, and got my PET scan scheduled for next tues (finally) to be sure there's no cancer left in me, then I can get on with the chemo. I'm hoping to start w/in 2 wks. ready to ''get 'er done," as some sleeveless flannel shirt guy once or always says. Looks like I'll be doing a regimen of FOLFOX, which would have me in the dr office for a day, then a 46hour period at home/work/whatever wearing a pump that pumps me w/ the folfox drugs thru an IV type deal. yuck. I'll do that every two weeks

Today is Townzen Thursday

I just wanted to mention my cousin Townzen. A week or so before I was diagnosed w/ cancer, I found out that Townz was diagnosed with Hodkins Lymphoma, a diff type of cancer. He's even younger than me, and truly a fantasic human being. Some of you may have met him at that last Phish show in Coventry (he was the one who left his car and walked all the way, miles, in with only what he could carry after they tried to turn him around because it was too muddy and out of control, and we somehow ran into him in 100K people and he joined the crew for the weekend). That story alone should show what a fighter he his. We have had the luxury of really getting to know Townz these last 5 or 6 yrs up at our lake house in canada (pictured above, us wearing all the rediculous hats that live on the hatrack up there. All are at least a few generations old. And yes, we'd had a few pops when we took this pic) and we've just had a blast going wild up there. Anyway, I just wanted to ask everyone out there to include him in your prayers, too. He's a really special person, the true deifinition of a free spirit, who means the world to us, and he's now starting his chemo treatments.

Townz, if you read this, we're all pulling for you buddy. We can do this. We can beat this awful thing. Stay strong. I love you.

More wristband action

I don't know if you guys saw my dads post in one comment section a while back, but he's gone and one-upped Lance Armstrong and ordered blue (that is color of colon cancer bracelets) bracelets with my name on them. While I still feel somewhat funny about people wearing around my name on their arms (and even more so to wear your OWN name), I've given in and am helping distribute them (as well as wearing one). what the hey, I've learned that if it helps, go for it. And I'm guessing this will help, somehow. I've also learned it's ok to lean on my friends and family and ask for help, and this maybe helps to signify this for me. So, the bracelets are here. I guess he thought most people are REAL skinny, b/c most all are size medium, w/ a few larges. The medium fits me way better than the yellow livestrong one, but I have pretty small wrists. Med should fit all women and most men pretty good, tho. they may be snug, but they won't catch on anything. OR, just don't wear it, but def feel free to grab one. Or two. I have around 100 of them (10 kids ones, 10 large, rest Med), and if you are in the west but not around denver and want one or more, email me at adutlinger@gmail.com. If you are in the south, either stop by my dad's or email him at bdut@comcast.net to have him mail you some (i saw some of you posted you wanted them on the blog comments before, but if you didnt put an address or email me or him, might not hurt to do so to follow up). I'm assuming he has kids, Meds and Larges, too. If we end up with a bunch of them, I'll find some other cool use for them (muzzle for dogs, headband for my old school GI Joes, strech 3 over ipod for custom protective case, squirrel blindfold, etc, etc).
ps- Sukle folks, I saw you all want one, so i'll bring a stack in next week for you!

Grandmas are the best

Today I got a pkg from my grandma...it had this really cool throw shawl in it. It's very pretty, and perfect size to put over your shoulders, which I'll be needing, as they say you always feel cold when going thru chemo. (hope that doesn't mean I can't snowboard at ALL this winter!) I've always been a HUGE fan of hand made things, and I think that's what even drew me to sreenprinting. So, naturally I loved this shawl, but the note tied to it was what got me: "This shawl was made just for you. To bring you comfort. To know you are loved. This shawl is to wrap you up when you are cold, when you are hurting, when you need to snuggle. This shawl was made with blessings, with love, with prayers." I have to admit it made me cry a little.
Thank you G-ma. I love you.

Ad guy talking here...

ok, so I'm only putting this up b/c as a guy working in the advertising biz, I pay attention to commercials. Most suck, I know. But this one makes me laugh.

cheaping out on thank you cards

So, it's like a constant state of Christmas over here at Ogden St. Everyday more cards, pkgs, flowers.....it all rolls in at a seemingly unending rate, and I'm just overwhelmed. To some degree, I'm cheating doing this, but I just wanted to kinda say a group 'THANK YOU' to everyone. Now, my mom always made me write thank you notes growing up, so I know that is the proper thing to do here. But, I'm having a hard time even sending thank you emails to everyone. I will, however, get to everyone with at least an email if not a "real" note, but for now, let me just do it here. This whole blog started as a way to stay in touch with everyone without having ot email everyone directly, and has been great that way. It's of course double functioned as a bit of a diary, tell all for mere and I, too, and has actually turned into somewhat of a therapy for us. So, thanks to all who listen to us blather on about ourselves. In some ways it's self centered, but in another way, super cleansing to just talk about how you feel when you go thru so much wavering of emotions like we do. It's a constant rollercoaster: Scared > hopeful > angry > sad > determined > scared > happy > inspired > confusion > drained > unsure > etc. It's like some demented setlist of a concert. (ha ha ha.)

++A few things that have arrived on our doorstep from all you that I love: Flowers, plants, ipod (for long chemo days), cancer fighting herbs, self help/meditation/manifestation cds and books, colon cancer books (still scared to read 'em, but know i need to and will), novels, tibetan prayer flags, games, remote control indoor helicopter (love torturing dogs with this), xbox, DVDs, special mugs from our friends at Dovetail (if you haven't checked out thier hand-made pottery, do, it's SUPER cool. I love it.), food, drumsticks, snacks, Athens t-shirt (for old time's sake), oak tree sapling to plant at 5 yr party, more flowers, green and white tea (antioxidants!), a few budwiesers, TONS of sweet cards, and a lance armstrong packet with a survivor notebook and shirt/hat/yellow bracelets. Hoping I'm not leaving anything out.

So, as you can see, I'm feeling like a kid on xmas morning (THAT feels good) and so, so, so blessed to have so many caring friends and family. In that regard, I'm the luckiest guy there is. So, THANK YOU. I love you all dearly and feel so strong having you all on my team. With you behind me, this thing will not beat me. I shall beat it.