baconpants

check out this site. bacon everything. I love the bacon wallet- classic.
Bacon flavored toothpicks are also humorous.

Spring cleaning my head

Well, it really is that weekend around here- spring cleaning. I've just awoken from sleeping from weds evening until now (sat AM). I had some kind of allergic reaction monday, so i've basically slept the entire week away. surreal. I can't tell if it feels like saturday or monday. I do feel like i've sprung cleaned my noodle, b/c boy is it corn-fused and dazed after so much horizontal time. Thank goodness, tho, for god's good minions (doctors) who call into small rooms in the back of your local supermarket where some guy/girl in a white coat (w/ coat tails) hands over a bottle (or 12) of "magic" pills. thanks to them for allowing a human to sleep for three straight days. they are real life savers, albeit confusers of your noggin.

While on the topic of Spring Cleaning (we really are doing it this weekend- boo but YAY when it's done), I started thinking about these blue bracelets. Do you keep 'em, or remove 'em? "spring clean-'em", if you will. Well, after much thought, I think i'm gonna loose mine come April 10. That's only a week and four days by the way. Just the fact that all of you even wore them, blows me away. It's been a HUGE source of inspiration for me thru all this toughness that has been my life lately. The moral, emotional, and even physical support the band wear-age instills is really beyond words. I felt sorta strange when i realized my Dad was handing out bracelets to people with my name on them....but soon that strangeness turned to strength.. and that was a cool thing.

RATIONALE: Ok, so after so much support, why would you wanna ditch it now?! Well, I have a few thoughts on this. First of all, it's not b/c I wanna forget about the last 8 months or so- as a matter of fact, it's the complete opposite, I never wanna forget. I'm even currently (much to mom's dismay) designing some cool art for my skin that only I will see every morning to remind me what really matters in life.

It's more that looking at this blue bracelet itself reminds me of slipping it on while laying, immobilized, in lots of pain after surgery. It's reminds me of barely being able to get up to move to the bathroom, barely able to circle my block just one time. It reminds me of sick chemo drugs, IVs, doctors visits, nights of empty headed sleep b/c I am on so many drugs. It reminds me of uphill struggles, fear, anger, foggyness, upsetness and finally- rebirth. And this is why I want something new to remind me of all this- something that reminds me about the good things I learned from this that have changed who I am as a man, the stuff I focus on from here on out: to NEVER give up, to see things in others perspectives, to remember that life is NOW not, tomorrow, not yesterday; never take things for granted, to think before I speak, be kind to others/love, and to just constantly remind me that when you get a second chance at life, you just don't f' around with it.

Anyway, all of you who have worn the powerbracelet with me- I have felt your power. I wear it proudly into my last week and a half of heck, and I wear it with you. Then, come April 10, I shed my skin, begin my new life as the new, healthy, cancer-free andy. Mere still claims she's gonna wear hers, and if you so choose, then wear on! I support it 100%, but just thought I'd share my view on why mine will be absent.

OK- love to all. About to go outside for the first time in days and am actually looking forward to brewing some coffee, turning up something sweet on the hifi, opening the windows and doors and gettin to cleanin'. Anything beats sleeping at this point.

Americans work hard

I've realized how hard i used to work thru all this. I've missed so much work lately, i pretty much feel like i'm here more than there, and it's really really hard. I never knew how much pride is associated with doing your job well, feeling like you're an important part of the team.

Lately, i've felt like a burden if anything... hardly ever there, not really a part of any of the big projects, just not present. It's been a hard thing to accept, pridewise, but I've learned to respect my body and listen to what it has to say. If it says stay home, I do, even if I feel totally guilty about it. Only one more treatment after this, then I can't wait to get my work back on, and to feel good about myself, workwise, all over again.

Funny, but I'm really looking foward to getting back to work, life, regularity.

11

ugh. I've made it thru the two in-office days on 11, and I already feel the funk creeping in.. earlier this time than usual. wondering if it's cumulative effects are really starting to expand a little. I am already canceling my weds music night tonight, which I normally do even w/ chemo, as this week I just can't muster it. Thinking about a sleeping pill and bed time for me tonight. Sleep it off as they say. Sad to miss jammin w/ the boyz, as it makes me really happy, but have learned to not push my body past where it's telling me to stop.

I only wish it was a booze hangover instead of a chemover. Then I woulda had some kind of fun last night! anyway, folks, My mind is very fuzzy right now, so i'll fill in more soon on my thoughts of cure, thoughts of ending chemo, thougths on the future, thoughts on bracelets, everthing. I actaully have some things to say, only am way way way to fogged to deal right now. so, check back later.

love you all. xo.
A

Weekend visitation

Some pics from the weekend. Had a double visit weekend, and managed to go see William/Cynthia and Thomas/Caroline up in Vail friday night, then back to Denver to spend Saturday with AmyMac/Anson. So, so good to see old friends- always such a good time full of great conversation, amazing company and many laughs. Has us in good spirits and feeling up about rolling into another chemo week.

R.I.P.

Hoop dreams die this AM w/ the dogs loss to Xavier. Weak Sauce.

Bike season

This whole week we're hovering around mid 5o's temps here, and bulbs finally starting to break the ground. That means it's bike season. Denver is really flat, so cruising around here on a bike is really fun, and I'm looking forward to riding to work again once it gets a tad bit warmer (it's still pretty cold early in the AM here). In tribute to bike season, i thought I'd show a sweet Felt cruiser bike. Check out their, '08 line of cruisers- they're pretty cool looking bikes.

Music map

This map is cool. You type in a musical artist and it shows "linked" artists. Is interesting.

It ain't football,

But it's still sweet when your team wins. High fivers all around for the Dawgs winning the SEC tourney this weekend. I have no idea how that happened (4 SEC wins THE WHOLE SEASON before the tourney, then 4 in two days to win it! whodathunk?), but i'm sure stoked it did. Suddenly March madness gets really interesting.

I can promise when I fill out my brackets tonight, one of those bad boys (at least) has the Dawgs winning it all. Sure, it's a long shot, but them boys got the momentum on their side, and everyone loves an underDAWG.

woof.

whew.

made it thru another one people. Another marathon sleeping session from thursday afternoon until saturday AM, but am now realizing that's the schedule. When it sets in, i don't wanna be awake...and, thanks to Ambiens, i can sleep from thurs until I start to feel better. I have now realized that it's OK to admit I need to just stay home and sleep those hours. At first thru all this, I could still work, I could power thru it, I felt tough. But, as time has set it in, I've slowly been worn down, and no longer can I just ignore the effects of the chemo, no longer can I just work thru the week like nothing is wrong. It really beats me down now, which is really humbling.

But, since it's only two more times left, I'm fine with it. Knowing now how bad I feel when it sets in (and it effects me different now- Now the nausea is replaced by anxiety, the aches by general upsetness. Nothing feels right, my insides feel confused, nothing works how it should) I'm pretty impressed I made it so far w/out any huge adverse effects. Now that they are setting in, I'm accepting I can't always be tough, sometimes I just have to lick my wounds and try to get better. This is a hard thing to accept as a man. You always see yourself as tough (even if you're scrawny), and it's hard to accept you are, in fact, just human. Just flesh and bones. So, hereby I embark on the path of only two more times of whatever this stuff brings me, and I'm able to stay in good spirits about it all and look forward to the fun stuff I still have in my life ( visits from the boswells and the burtches next weekend!), and just accept my shortcomings and weaknesses.

anyway, thanks to all you who support me from near and afar on a daily basis. you truly help me drag myself thru all this. Soon we'll have nothing to talk about, and guess what? I can't wait.

chemotoast

It's a bad pun on comatose. But lately, i've been rendered chemo toast. It's not that I've been feeling THAT bad, it's just that my body is soooo tired. I'll I can think about it getting to sleep- forcusing on anything is near impossible and my mind just wanders, liberally, throughout the whole process.

They told me the treatments, particularly the fatigue, would culminate upon one another as I got further along. Because I was able to ignore this thru 8 treatments, i thought I had this thing all sewn up. Well, once again, the Big man is reminding me that whenever you think you have things figured out, well, that's when they change.

These last two have had me sleeping for up to 48 hours straight. I maybe get up to pee or eat or sip water or take some random pill, but mainly, i'm in the bed the whole time. Work has been so cool about this, which is refreshing, I gotta say. Worrying about your job while you are suffereing at home sick is not cool- and Sukle has been so great about making sure I DON'T sit home worrying. So, a special thanks to them for helping me deal with this.

so, if things stay the way they've been, i'm looking at two more coma sessions, then this is done. I am super thrilled to get there...so...close.....almost...can...see....it.

We Ski ♥land

March 8, 2008. It was GR8!

10-4

ahh, here we go again. I'm sitting here preparing myself for yet another lovely round of chemotherapy. They seem neverending, but I realize I'm actually making good progress. Today begins session number 10, with only two remaining after this week. It's been a long, hard road, but we're finally feeling like the end is near.

Sometimes I only can think of finishing- wishing it was here, dreading the next time I feel bad, etc. Other times I realize there will be a whole new set of emotions once the chemo is over. Now, I feel bad a lot, but at least i'm doing something about the cancer. Every two weeks I pour lots of poison into my bloodstream, and it goes to work eating up cancer cells like I used to eat bbq ribs. Mowing 'em. And, when I finish, I'm gonna be so happy to done with all this, because it makes me feel bad. But, on the other hand....then I'm suddenly not doing anything about this cancer thing. Suddenly, it's time to sit back and wonder if it's all gone, if it'll ever come back, if I'll have to do this all over again. Now it's all about the checkups...the nerves before those will, I"m sure, be all askew. Until I hear the "all clear" each time, I'm sure I'll be freaked. But, this is the process, this is the path. So, I motor on, still excited to finish the chemo, to move on to all the things I've wanted to do and used to do, move on to the next step in the cancer survivor handbook: life. Living it big, loving it big, no matter what it brings me.

Lejo the DJ

Don't know if youve seen this or not, but it entertained me. I also like the robot one on the side there.

funny, it's just two eyeballs rubber banded to a hand, but the mannerisms are pretty good by whoever is Lejo.

Happy happy.

I meant to say something on tuesday, but HAPPY BIRTHDAY MERE! I think she's singing the birthday song to herself in this picture. And I believe cousin Addie is cringing at the sound in the background. Always the spunky, loveable Mere. Oh how we all love her so. Ain't she just the best? As I've said many times, I'm quite the lucky guy to have her.

For the actual day we had a pretty mellow one, but are looking forward to celebrating her day, belatedly, at Loveland ski area this Saturday with friends. Looks like we got a good sized crew of knuckle draggers to go terrorize the slopes. Hoping for deep fresh snow or a blue sky day for deck beers.

Happy Birfday lovely wife.

Is it me

Or are there a lot of commercials for fibro myalgia treatments on TV these days? whatever fibro myalgia is. Seems they invent new names for conditions so they can invent new drugs. Or maybe I'm just watching strange programming on my TV.

Not going to work this AM.

Because a giant mtn cat is blocking the path to my car. Nuts, right? Click the image to enlarge it.

Jennie sent me this from someone up in Evergreen (maybe 25 mins up from Denver into mtns on hwy 70). I think they awoke to this. Yikes.

ha.

so, this is funny. not quite as comical as that white people blog, but funny.
check it.

all about you

Sometimes everything can really seem about you, can't it? Like whenever you hear people's problems on TV, somehow it relates back to some issue in your life. Whenever I hear the word 'cancer' (which ends up being a lot), it always, in my little head, relates back to me, my tribulations, etc. Somehow, stuff just always seems poignant.

Anyway, on my way to the park with the dogs yesterday I heard Blackbird by the Beatles...and I wondered what it really was about, wondering if it was in any way a parody of my current experiences:

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Black bird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
all your life
you were only waiting for this moment to be free

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

some pics

liked these shots from last weekend:

First one is view from our lil' house we rented in Frisco. Then Chad and Mere whilst we were taking a break.
Then some of the Posse at Copper.
We played Uno for money and it was really fun.

good words

nice to have such a supportive woman in my life, much less one who likes to tell everyone how tough i am, i gotta say. I appreciate the support for sure, but still feel like every one of you would do exactly what Townz and I are doing: all you know how to just get by. Def not doing anthying special...just tryin' to survive.

Funny, I touted how easy last chemo was and then of course this one was really hard. I took friday off work and literally slept from thursday night at 7pm until saturday morning at 7am. Not kidding. I think I woke up for a few minutes here and there, but I'd still feel bad, so I'd take a sleeping pill or something and just keep sleeping it off. It worked: I woke up Saturday glad to feel like a human again. I only have to go thru that 3 more times.

Colorado is being crazy again. The weather is NUTS. Yesterday was 72 degrees, no snow anywhere to be seen, flip flops in full effect. I went longboarding all afternoon in shorts. It was glorious. Then we wake up to a full on blizzard this AM, which sucks eggs. I used to LOVE it when it snowed, but i'm totally over it this winter. Chemo has made me detest the cold...something I wonder if will stick around after this is done? I now drink all drinks w/ no ice, beer warm, water luke. Wonder if that'll stick, too? Anyway, we transformed overnight here in Colorado- on our way to 8 to 10 new inches today, after the most beautiful day of the year yesterday! crazy.